Your friend, who is also drunk, wearing a short ass dress and platform shoes is having a hard time with you and is getting pissed and embarrassed because everyone is pointing and laughing at you and making messed up comments because you’re drunk on the ground with your legs open, your eyes rolling back in your head, and you still have the nerve to be trying to fight people for talking shit. So, in desperation, your friend pays a guy $50.00 to help hold up the other end of you so that we can make it from Harrah’s to the Bellagio where you’re staying. The guy dumps you on the crossway before you make it to the Bellagio because he’s afraid he’ll get blamed for your head bleeding and you looking like you got Ike Turner’d (the Good Samaritan was Black, so you already know he had a right to be concerned), so you call your friend’s cousin to come help where, once you make it into the lobby, the security takes one look at you and calls up the hotel doctor who you promptly try to fight.

Your friend, who is drunk and has all her breasts popping out of her dress, seems to be the only person your drunk ass will respond to or listen to, so she has to keep telling you random happy things to keep you awake and not beating people up. The EMTs show up and it takes three of them to hold you down and they end up having to strap you to a gurney because you’re fighting them, and take you to the emergency room because you’re bleeding and they think you’re on drugs. Your beleagured friend has to calm you down and keep telling you things to keep you awake, but then you stop breathing twice and they have to intubate you and then she sits in the E.R. with you until five in the morning. You end up with a BAAAAAD concussion, bruises over your body, two broken toes, you break your friend’s camera because you knocked her purse out of her hand and then promptly landed on it smushing the camera and everything else inside it, you mess up your phone, you pull out your IV after your long suffering friend tells you not to and then you get upset that blood starts spurting everywhere. Your friend says, “I told you not to pull it out,” and then you have the nerve to get mad and say she should have told you what would happen if you did because you wouldn’t have if you’d have known, and then your friend tells you that she doesn’t tell people to do things or not to do things unless there’s a good reason and she didn’t really think you’d be dumb enough to pull it out for real.

You get released after arguing with the staff about where your cell phone and i.d. are. The cell phone is recovered, the i.d. is not. Your friend has to call the hotel security to come and pick the two of you up and you try, unsuccessfully, to bribe him to stop and get you a burger and fries. You wonder what all your other friends are doing and you get back to the suite at the Bellagio and you and your friend are forced to order room service and get charged $17.00 a piece for burgers and fries. You pass out in your clothes and the next day, all you care about is A) what you told your loser boyfriend on the phone when you were blitzed out of your mind, B) trying to make sure that your arch nemesis doesn’t find out what happened because he will never let you live it down and C) the fact that you don’t have an i.d. and now you can’t get into any clubs on Saturday night.

This is only the first night. Oh, and the worst part, your best friend got part of it on her video phone and posted that shit on You Tube. I was extremely drunk, for the record.

State of the Union: Exasperated
Listening to: Please Don’t Leave Me by Pink

My sister wanted to be an only child and made no bones about telling people that. You ever see that movie, “The Bad Seed?” Yeah, well my sister could have won the part of Rhoda hands down. This is the same girl that burnt me with a cigarette lighter, used to hold a pillow over my face when I was having an asthma attack and try to smother me, and set the bed on fire when I was sleeping in it. She’s done a lot of messed up stuff and I don’t like talking about it because it makes her look psycho and doesn’t reflect very well on my gene pool. She was the school bully and I used to tell people that I wasn’t related to her because I didn’t want them judging me based on what she did.

I kept telling my mother that she had a fricking screw loose and there was something *seriously* wrong with her. She didn’t listen to me and made excuses for her and defended her. She still will to this day up to a large extent. I can only remember my sister being nice to me like three times in my life. Before you write off my memory as being faulty, remember that I can still remember what I wore to the first day of first grade, what my locker combination was in high school, and who I had my first crush on. My memory is on point. We don’t speak to each other unless she wants something from me. I’m nice to my nephew. I feel bad for him because he has a nut job for a mother and it’s not his fault. I just pray he doesn’t turn out like her.

My sister ended up in rehab and, while having a psych eval, they determined that she’s bipolar. I could have told them this year’s ago, but I’m trying not to have one of those gloating “Ha! I told you so!” moments. They finally get her sick ass on some meds and now she’s ready to make amends.Too little, too late is my reply. and my mother is raking me over the coals about it. No matter what she does, she defends her. I’m supposed to forget a childhood of torment and a lifetime of being neglected and not wanted by my sister all because she feels bad about it (which I don’t buy for a second) and wants to make amends.

She can take her amends and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. My mother is in tears half the time and trying to pressure me to be a sister to her. Fuck that. I’m over it. I’ve told her that I’ve divorced myself from that situation. She started crying harder. I told her, as nicely as I could, that I’m sorry that she feels like a bad mother for some of the stuff that she let go down, but that’s her cross to bear, not mine. At some point, you have to cut your losses and just let it go and I’ve done that.

She said that I’m hard-hearted and she started crying that, when it comes to my sister, I have no heart. That evil bitch ate my soul.

State of the Union: Over it
Listening to: My friend, Lisa, talking about her son.

My dad said something and it rang true. Some people are chosen. Some people are favored. Some people get the good life with the spouse, the kids, the house, the dog, the picket fence, the works. Other people aren’t so lucky. Some people don’t get the dream. Some people don’t get forever. Some people don’t get happiness because they don’t deserve it.

State of the Union: Pensive
Listening to: Nothing Lasts Forever by Maroon 5

Do you think your ex still wants to be with you?
Probably. All his other girlfriends were skanks, stupid, or stupid skanks.

Has a boyfriend/ girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you?
Nope.

Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment?
Sure do. Whether he reciprocates them remains to be seen….

Do you like when people call you things like “baby”, “sweetie”, “hun”, etc?
Depends on if I know and, more importantly, LIKE the person saying it.

Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Hell to the NO! Fast forward to the next question.

Will this Friday be a good one?
It’s payday, so yes.

Do you believe that love lasts forever?
God’s love does.

What’s wrong with you right now?
How much time do you have?

When will your next kiss be?
When he finally gets his head out of his ass and realizes I have a mad crazy crush on him…

Who was the last person in bed with you?
I went to go huddle under the covers with my mama.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
I’ve been happy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but sad on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
No, I think I’m on the mend from him and moving on.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?
That both parties not be crazy.

Where do you wish you were right now?
On the beach with the boy I’m crushing on.

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?
Sure is. That’s one of the first steps to becoming coupled up.

Have you ever broken anyone’s heart?
Sure have, but it wasn’t my fault they fell in love.

Tell the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
I liked the way he smiles at me and, even though he doesn’t know it, I *adore* his accent, even though I tease him about it.

Is there a person that will always have a place in your heart?
A few people, actually.

Does someone like you right now?
I’m sure I have some stalker out there that’s wanking off to pictures of me.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with B, H, E or J ?
Does it make me a skank if I say ALL of them.

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship?
Heck no. He was a stage five clinger.

Honestly, what’s on your mind?
Graduating some time before I turn 50.

When was the last time you kissed someone?
December.

Is there a person that means a lot to you?
Lots of ‘em.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
No, he kept trying to hop on top of me and I kept having to fight him off, so there was no sleeping involved.

If you married the last person that you texted what would your last name be?
Bamba. I’d be Guamanian.

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of last summer?
Cabo San Lucas.

Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love?
I did, so I know it’s possible.

State of the Union: Sleepy
Listening to: Here With Me by Dido

I’ve been belly dancing for three years now. I love it. It’s one of the few things that I know I’m good at. We do this improvisational show once a month at a coffee shop here to live drumming. We don’t know what beats we’re going to get or what themes are going to get tossed at us during the second set.

My selfish wish is for my friends to actually support me for once and show up. I invite them and they say they’re going to show and then they never do. These aren’t my “casual acquaintance” friends I’m talking about, but my good friends. I show up at all their things. I come to all their parties, and their kid’s parties, I show up at the things that matter and are important to them, but they never come to mine. Some make the excuse that they have kids. Well, there were about 10 in the audience last night. Others say that have people in town. Hello? Bring them. It’s fun, it’s different, and they’ll be able to brag that they went to an awesome show. Some people complain about being busy or being tired or not having enough time. Who on God’s green earth has more stuff going on and is busier than me? I work full time AND go to school full time and I still manage to get to their events, so that excuse won’t wash, either.

Everyone else has people show up at every single show and it makes me sad. My gay boyfriend Paul has shown up once and I love him for that, and my psycho ex boyfriend used to, but I think it was more because he knew that dancing makes me horny and he wanted to get guaranteed booty. On the one hand, it makes me feel like a bad person because I feel that pinch of jealousy that everyone else is able to field someone and I’m there alone. On the other hand, it makes me feel like I’m a bad person with bad friends because I do good things for them and they can’t do this one thing for me.

I feel like a whiny brat because it seems like I’m begging for adulation, but I don’t need that. I just want my friends to show an interest in the thing that I love above all others. I want them to be a good friend, even if it’s only one time, and show up for me, like I’ve done for them hundreds of times.

State of the Union: Sad
Listening to: Helena by My Chemical Romance

“Michelle” started getting on my nerves. There’s nothing else I can say. She felt like we were friends enough that she could be herself and be goofy and silly and stupid. Well, the only problem with that is I can stand people that act like that ALL the time. It’s immature and it grates on my nerves. She was calling every single day. She was constantly wanting to hang out. The only problem was, she never had any money. Anytime we hung out, I had to pay. I knew Michelle had a crappy job, so I offered to pay. One time. Then, the bullshit started. She would “accidentally” forget her wallet or she wouldn’t have enough money to cover what she ordered. Me, being a good friend, would cover it. Then, it got to the point, where she wouldn’t even pull out her wallet or even *pretend* like she was pulling out her wallet to pay. She would suggest that we go eat or have drinks some place and then not have any money or, she would whip out her calculator and her checkbook and start adding up how much she had in her account right there at the table and then look at me with this hangdog expression to make me feel bad that she had no money and guilt me into paying.

She was dating this guy that was essentially using her for a booty call, but slapped a relationship tag on it to keep her pacified. She lived in a town about 20-30 miles away and she would come into town to see him and was killing time at my house until he was done with whatever he was doing and then she would trot off to his place that she wasn’t allowed in when he wasn’t there and wasn’t given a key to even though they had been dating forever. One night, she was sitting at my house waiting for him to call her so she could go meet him. I had a test the next day and didn’t want to put her out, but it kept getting later and later. She didn’t leave until almost one in the morning, and I overslept and missed my test. That was it for me. My G.P.A. is the most important thing and anything that compromises that is cut off. I kinda stopped answering my phone after that.

She met my friend, “Leslie” at my birthday party and monopolized her and got her phone number. Then, she basically took Leslie over. Full-on took her over. They were hanging out a lot, talking on the phone a lot, etc. It got to the point where it didn’t even feel like Leslie was my friend; she was *Michelle’s* friend. This was during one of my black periods where I was in a “fuck it” kind of mood and I basically said, “fuck it,” and let her have her. It didn’t help matters that Leslie repeated some things about my friendship with my best friend that only Michelle could have known. She also made some comments that let me know that my name and personal business were being discussed. That *really* pissed me off and I stopped responding to Leslie’s texts, phone calls, and invitations to show up at things because I knew Michelle would be there and I didn’t want to be around her and I didn’t trust either of them because it was fairly obvious they were talking about me. I cut Leslie off and that was wrong. I know, write it down for posterity; I actually admitted that I was wrong about something. I shouldn’t have done that to her. Eventually, she stopped trying.

Michelle moved out of state and, right around Yom Kippur, I started thinking about Leslie and I felt bad, so I sent her a text. Slowly, we started hanging out again. She didn’t really want to discuss the Michelle situation, and neither did I, but it needed to be addressed. We started talking and I told her how I felt and then she told me that Michelle was doing and saying things to cause a division between us. Leslie would want to invite me to things and Michelle would come up with reasons and excuses for why she didn’t want me there. Then, she made it seem as if I didn’t want to be friends with Leslie. Basic girl bullshit, in other words. Some of Leslie’s friends confirmed all the nonsense that Michelle was spreading. Then, to make matters worse, she kinda started bugging Leslie the way she was doing me. She would call all the time, be needy all the fricking time, pull the same money crap all the time, and would even show up at her house when she wasn’t there and be sitting outside waiting for her when she got home.

Leslie and I have worked through our issues and we’re closer than ever. The only issue is Michelle. Something needs to be done. Leslie wants no part of it. She told me that, since Michelle was my friend first, I should deal with the situation. I get her point in a way, because by introducing them, I brought drama into her life. I don’t know what to say that won’t sound messed up, though. Michelle and I have a *lot* of mutual friends, so I can’t eradicate her from my life the way I normally would someone that has caused this much drama. I want to tell her off, but I’d probably make her cry and, for the most part, she is a good friend. She’s just annoying in large doses and severely lacks good judgment and common sense in a *lot* of areas.

Tell me how to tell her to back the fuck off. Tell me how to tell her to quit being a stalker with my friend, to go make her own damned friends, and stay the hell away from mine. Tell me how to tell her that she needs to learn home training (i.e. it is not acceptable to eat food off people’s plates nor is it acceptable to pass gas *loudly* from either end of your body at the dinner table and then laugh about it and do it repeatedly). Tell me a nice way to tell her that, if you don’t have money, stay your broke ass at home like normal people do. Tell me how to tell her that her squatter’s rights on my personal space are being revoked and she needs to learn boundaries and stay in her place and out mine.

Help me. Please?

State of the Union: Distressed
Listening to: Glamorous by Fergie.

You’ve laughed with me. Cried with me. Got angry with me. Threatened people with pitchfork-mobs on my behalf. You’ve cheered me up, cheered me on, and been some of the best cyber-friends a pal can have. Gianni used to call you my “blog peeps” and my “cyber-family” and you guys really are.

I’m waxing sentimental here, and not drunk at all, so that must mean I really love you guys. I’ll be all evil and bitter later and put things back to normal, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being my family.

State of the Union: Warm and Fuzzy
Listening to: the whir of the fan in my MacBook

I attract psychos. We all know this. The only thing is, I don’t even know if he likes me. I like him, but for the first time in ages, I can’t tell how he feels about me. I know he thinks I’m silly because he’s always laughing at me and making fun of me because I always manage to do or say something boneheaded in front of him. I get flustered when I talk to him and some of the most inane things pop out of my mouth. If he didn’t know for a fact that I got into the same school he did, he’d probably think I’m a complete idiot.

I sent him something via email that I might end up regretting. It will be awesome if he checks the one box but DEVASTATINGLY horrible if he checks the other box. If you get rejected by someone that isn’t crazy, that doesn’t have multiple personality disorders, or isn’t a raging ‘roid head, someone normal in other words, does that mean you’re doomed?

This is what I sent him:

Send up some silent prayers that he doesn’t stomp all over my poor heart.

State of the Union: hyperventilating a tad
Listening to: That Girl is a Cowboy by Garth Brooks

He called and I did something cowardly, but what I learned from dating Richard. If you’re going to break up with someone and they’re potentially mentally unstable, don’t do it in person or over the phone. In person, they can cry, plead, hit you, or try to kill themselves or you. If you do it over the phone, you feel like a dick for hanging up on them when they start crying or you lose control and start yelling back at them when they get verbally abusive and start crying. I can’t deal with men crying. What did I do? I ended things via text.

Normally, I wouldn’t do it. Marlena got broken up with via text and she was devastated. I did it over text because he’s overly emotional and I couldn’t deal with that. I sent him an honest text and told him he was too aggressive for me and it wasn’t going to work out. Then he texts me back and tells me that he’s been calling to tell me he found someone else on New Years. Uh…did you forget that you’ve been leaving me messages and texts about how much you miss me and can’t wait to see me? Whatevs. I don’t even care, but, because I’m a bitch and I have to get the last word in, I told him that it all worked out for the best and I’m glad he found someone to practice free love with. Then I told him I’d met someone else and I’d love for him to meet her because she is awesome. Why am I bitch? He confided in me that his last three girlfriends left him for another chick and now he thinks I have, too.

It was evil and petty, but he told me this story before about how, whenever he likes a girl and her friend tries to cock block, he will deliberately hurt the cock blocker’s feelings and make her feel like shit. He will say, “Are you mad because your friend looks better than you?” or “Are you mad because your friend isn’t fat like you?” or some put down that will make her cry. When he told me that the last night we hung out, casually in conversation like he was discussing the weather, I knew he was a dick and I’d never be able to date a someone like that. I wanted him to see what it felt like to be emotionally kicked in the nuts. Plus, I feel like I have carpal tunnel in my dominant hand and it’s all his fault. You’re not stupid. You know why.

Thank the Lord in Heaven I didn’t sleep with that jackass.

State of the Union: Not amused, not annoyed
Listening to: Whatever You Like by Anya Marina

Posted: 12:12 AM, Wed 6 Jan 2010 in Dating Diaries

I’ve been dating this guy. I would tell you his name is Francesco, seeing as that’s what he told me his name was, but it’s not. His name is Ran, short for Ranesh or however you spell it. We’re not together officially, but we’re about to not be together in any sense of the word. I keep hearing warning bells and I don’t know why. Maybe because he lied about his name. Well, I met him on the street as we were club hopping to celebrate finals being over and I was all kinds of drunk and I made out with him. Yes. Me. On the street. Drunk as a skunk. Made out with some dude with an Italian accent. Well, the accent explains the “why” part to the making out.

He’s pushy. I used to think it was cute (probably because of the accent), but I am sooo over it now. He doesn’t listen to me. I know I sound like a girl saying that, but in this case, it’s true. When someone is sick and tells you they’re sick and they just want to go to sleep, why would you show up at their door? When they tell you they want to kick it with friends, why would you blow up their phone every hour on the hour until they call you back? When they tell you they want to chill with their family and relax, why would you blow up their phone trying to get them to go to a club?

Part of the problem is that my infatuation with his accent has worn off and I can see that I don’t like him like that. He is smart, he has a kooky sense of humor, he likes to travel, and he isn’t keen to make babies. He sounds like a viable candidate, but the alarm bells are going off. The same ones I had with Richard. I try not to hold any man accountable for the actions/mistakes of another man, but I am getting the heebie-jeebies about him that I got with Richard.

Is it a break up if you aren’t really together? I’m annoyed. Perturbed. Disgruntled. Pick your S.A.T. word. I just need to figure out a way to get him to back off without him stalking me and he soooo has stalker tendencies. Plus, he keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. It’s very off-putting. I’m not suggesting that he play hard to get or anything, but I don’t want you putting my hand on your errection and telling me that I did that, either.

Jeez.

State of the Union: Frocking annoyed
Listening to: Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas

Posted: 7:35 PM, Wed 30 Dec 2009 in Dating Diaries