Birdsnest got married again (To the same lady just in a church) and I got to be a bridesmaid for the record breaking 22nd time. I got into it all sick with the ugly beyotch working reception. I paid online with my credit card and they took the money for my room. Then, when I go to check-in, they tell me that was a preauthorization that’ll fall off in three days, but I need to pay for the room. So basically, I’m going to get charged twice and then refunded once, I say. Yes, she says. I told her that’s ass backwards thinking, even for South Texas. I know she heard me when I said this is what I got for not staying at the Sheraton.
My dad was flipping out because I’m supposed to be in mourning and not at social gatherings per tradition, so I had to let him have it real quick. I go to my room and it’s two doubles when I asked for a King. Okay, whatever. I climb on one of the beds and there are these painters that are painting the exterior of the hotel. I was talking on my cell, but I noticed that it was taking this guy entirely too long to move on to the next balcony and that he had a severe staring problem. I mean, boring-through-the glass staring. I was feeling kind of evil, so I decided to give him something to stare at. No, I did not give him any full-on nudity, but I romped around on that bed long enough that he’ll have enough jerk-off material for a good week at least.
The rehearsal dinner was utter chaos seeing as half the bridal party wasn’t even there yet. The minister was pissed because everyone was late (they were on Latino Standard Time) and the minister pissed Alma off and she refused to speak to him. There were some family dramas going on that I won’t get into, but that cast a stain on the weekend and that sucked big time. The other bridesmaids all knew each other, so it made it awkward that none of them were speaking to me, so I did what any sane girl would do, I made friends with the groomsmen. Alma and Birdy gave us pimp necklaces to wear and Birdy’s dad nicknamed me “Delicious” and everyone in Chris’ family was calling me that by the end of the weekend.
We ended up at Backyard Louie’s and I got toasty on a Louie’s Cherry, which I nicknamed Bucket-O-Fun. I ended up partying on the beach with my friend, Seth, and his hottie friends who were in Padre for the week at the Sheraton, which was conveniently located two hotels over. We ended up playing moonlit football on the beach and I kept getting tackled so I woke up with a huge bruise and a huge pain in my side. (Note to Self: No more football playing wearing a bikini because my milkshake really DOES bring the boys to the yard) I woke up at the butt crack of dawn to help Alma with last minute things until the maid of honor, who was staying at a different hotel, arrived. Then I was Birdy’s mom’s bitch for most of the morning. She kept calling people to have them help her with stuff, but everyone was hung over and not answering, so we got busy and got everything taken care of. I love that woman because we both work well under pressure.
My dress was a disaster. I clashed with the lady at the bridal shop about my measurements and I told her that what she was writing was wrong and my dress would be too wide in the middle and too small in the bodice area. I told her what my correct measurements were (Hello? I make my own dresses; I know what my measurements are) and the dumb whore wrote it down and then went and erased it when I left and put what she thought was right. End result? My nana took in the sides, but there wasn’t enough material to let out the bodice, so I had to bind my boobs down with ace bandages and duck tape (no fucking lie) to be able to jam them into that dress. Then, the dress STILL wouldn’t close right and the damned side hook came off, so I ended up sewing myself into the last inch of it and praying I wouldn’t pull a Janet Jackson.
The ceremony was really beautiful and Birdy was too busy talking to Alma to pay attention to what the minister was saying, so he had to repeat himself a coupla times. Alma’s brother’s girlfriend was making some snide comments and I had to restrain myself from telling her off. Then again, it must have sucked for her to be the ugliest bridesmaid there, so she must have felt like she had to put people down to make herself feel better. (Every time I see her, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” starts playing in my head.) Argh! Her name is Amanda and we know how much I hate that name. I need to go to a happy place.
Okay, much, much better. Isn’t Alma a little hottie?
The caterers didn’t show up on time, so we had a whole bunch of hungry people eating the candies on the tables, so what did Chris’s brother and I do? We started pulling out the liquor and getting everyone drunk until the food got there. The food arrived (Chicken Cordon Bleu with pasta and haricot verts for the foodies out there) and then deejay started spinning the beats. Alma’s aunt from Guatemala was laughing because I knew all the words to all the Spanish songs. I danced with just about everyone in Chris’s family at some point.
Chris’s brother, Mike, pulled out the largest bottle of Grey Goose I have ever seen in my life and we got WASTED. I think the whole right side of the room was drinking from that bottle. I was tipsy drunk, so how I managed to take so many pictures is beyond me. The fact that they were in focus was a miracle. I won’t go into any of my exploits after the wedding ended, or some of the drunken idiocy that certain members of the bridal party got into, but this wedding will go down in the books. Note to self: If you’re allergic to pollen, don’t let the flower arrangements get loaded into your rental car or you will be sneezing and wheezing all the way home. I’m sure Birdy will post better pictures on his site once Hellmouth gets off his ass and finishes them (hint, hint). You were sorely missed in case you didn’t know, Tex.
But, all in all, Alma was beautiful, Birdy was very handsome and distinguished and I, well, I got the flu from one of the kids that was there, but that’s okay, because I was still the most pimp bridesmaid in the history of the free world.
State of the Union: Contented while shivering under a blanket
Listening to: The Hills playing in the background
Edited: August 26th, 2008
slayerbarbie