Total Life Makeover: Start Again

Self discovery is a wonderful thing. This past year has found me floundering. Everything familiar seemed to be ripped away. At times I felt like I was drowning inside my life. A wise woman told me that, when you’ve lost your way, stop, retreat, and regroup. That’s what I have been doing this holiday season. Yeah, I know it doesn’t seem like it with the parties and dancing and booby shots, but I really have. Well, New Years weekend anyway.

At about three in the morning, I found myself on the beach with two bottles of Moet to keep me company. I sat up all night and watched the sun rise. Champagne gives me clarity. I sound like my dad talking about marijuana, but I’m serious. I sat and I looked at all the things that have gone wrong this year, all the mistakes I made, all the procrastinating and slacking. Every time something got overwhelming, I a) hopped on a plane and went somewhere else b) retreated and let someone else deal with it or c) retreated until whatever it was went away and was moot.

I just kind of gave up. It was a gradual thing. I didn’t even realize it was happening until I got jerked back into semi-consciousness by my dad a week ago. I’ve been letting all these things happen to me. I’ve been letting people walk all over me and stomp on my heart. I’ve let people take advantage of me and my good nature and well…..that’s over.

I’m going to be selfish and think about me. I’m going to stop worrying so much about other people and worry about myself. This year, everyone becomes self sufficient. I can’t fix everything for everyone and it’s stupid of me to keep doing it. I can’t hold everyone’s hand. I can’t lend you money. I can’t walk everyone through a breakup at two in the morning. No more calling, no more texting, no more emailing or IMing. If you want to talk to me, you have my contact points. I’m not going out of my way anymore.

I’m gonna be selfish. I’m gonna send needy people to voicemail. I’m gonna stay up late reading books that have nothing to do with school. I’m gonna watch t.v. and learn how to play a musical instrument. I’m gonna buy myself whatever I want. If I wake up and feel like taking a trip somewhere, I’m booking it.

I used to hate it when people said “life is too short” because it seemed like that was their excuse to go out and do something stupid and irresponsible. Well, guess what? It’s never too late to learn something new. 2008 has taught me that life is too short to get caught up in other people’s bullshit. I’m going to go out and recapture the life that I lost. It’s me and my hot outfits and matching accessories against the world.

I’m baaaaaaaack……..

State of the Union: Inherently evil
Listening to: Will You be Mine by J.J. Farris

Edited: January 4th, 2009

Total Life Makeover: Changes

There are so many changes that occurred this year. At this time last year, I bailed on the Bahamas to spend New Years with my ex so that he wouldn’t be alone. As I made my New Years Wish and drank my champagne, I wished for change. I was tired of being where I was. I was tired of not having what I wanted. I wished for change. I knew that it wouldn’t happen on it’s own. One of my nanas said that you can’t wait for happiness to bite you in the butt; sometimes, you have to go and get it.

I loved the company that I worked for, but I didn’t like my job. So, I applied for a new position, and, against the odds, I got it. Now, I have my own office, I don’t work in the call center, and I have a cool boss that works with my school schedule because she knows that I want more out of life than to be wearing a headset for the rest of my life.

I wanted a nicer home, but I didn’t want to move because cheap rent is a necessity since I’m paying for my own tuition, so, I spruced the place up. I replaced all my furniture, painted some walls, and got new pictures, new bedding, new everything. I also wanted to look like an adult, so I went out and bought new clothes, new shoes, and new accessories. I look like a different person. I’m okay with dressing my age, as long as I don’t actually look my age.

I wanted a new, adventurous life and new friends. I started taking belly dancing and I’m waaay better than when I started. I gave into my wanderlust and I went to snowboard in New Mexico. I went to Vegas. I went to Cancun. I also started recruiting new friends and weeding out the old ones. I know that there are people that say that I have mucho drama in my life, but they would be in shock if they saw how bad it used to be before I started leaving the users, the hanger ons, and sychophants behinds. The only people that are in my life are people that genuinely care about me and want me to succeed.

I was obviously making the wrong choices when it came to men in my life. I left my waffle halves behind because neither one of them was doing anything but holding me back and keeping me from finding someone worthwhile. I went on a dating hiatus and got to spend a lot of time alone, working on things in my life. I think that I’m finally ready to let someone in and have a healthy, balanced, functioning relationship.

I also got to know me. I got to know what I like and what I despise. I know what makes me tick now. I have so much clarity. I know what I want, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally. I don’t make resolutions because they tend to get broken, but I do know that this is the year that I finally get all my shit together. This is the year that I take back my life. I’m through waiting for things to happen to me. I want to make things happen. I know what I want and now I’m ready to go get it. Anything and anyone that was holding me back before is gone.

There’s nowhere else to go but up from here. All the things that have happened this year, good and bad, have led me to this place. It’s been worth it, all the misery, all the pain, all the tears, all the heartbreak, because I’m finally at a point where I like myself and what I am about.

Finally, finally, I think I’ll be able to sleep in heavenly peace.

State of the Union: Confident
Listening to: Nothing Lasts Forever by Maroon 5

Edited: August 18th, 2008

Total Life Makeover: Baby Steps

I hate it how you make a vow to do things right and your friends try and derail you. Take tonight. We all went out to eat and I ordered chicken fajitas with no rice, no beans, and no tortillas. It’s just meat and vegetables. And my friends are giving me shit about it, even though they know I’m a fat-ass, even though they know I’m trying to lose the weight I’ve gained.

Then these bastards throw the ultimate temptation in front of me. They invited my ex. They know I’m not having sex. They know I’m trying not to fall back into destructive patterns, yet they throw the best sex I have ever had in my life, hands down, in my face. I could strangle someone. Because I almost gave in.

I was waging an internal battle against my carnal mind. My mind that can’t seem to forget. He’s like a drug. He’s like a crack habit that I can’t break. He was looking all tall, and thin, and beautiful, like the Abercrombie model that he is. And he was giving me the look. You know which one. The one that makes my knees buckle. The one that makes my mouth go dry. I am weak, so, so weak, so I did what any self-respecting woman would do.

I ran.

I had the waiter box up my food, threw money on the table and fled before I threw my pride, not to mention my inhibitions, out the window and ravished him. I was congratulatory all the way home. I resisted temptation, in a cowardly fashion, true, but wars are won with baby steps. I was feeling great, fantastic, emphatically happy, until I got in bed, and heard my neighbors going at it like rabbits. Again.

*Sighs and rolls out of bed to go get those damned ear plugs. Again.

State of the Union: Frustrated
Listening to: Oh God, You’re so Biiiiiiiiig (only in Spanish)

Edited: August 4th, 2008

Total Life Makeover

I was in a rut. I don’t think I realized how deep it was until I looked in the mirror last week and really saw myself. I didn’t like what I saw. I’ve gained weight. A lot of it. I was wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants with no makeup and a head scarf IN PUBLIC. There are not enough words for how horrified I was. My physical appearance reflects the emotional state of my life about 98% of the time, so it really scared the bejesus out of me because I did the one thing I said I would never do: I let myself go. I have officially become a fat-ass.

I have no excuse. I’m not married, sitting on the couch with my fat-ass husband, watching t.v. and eating meat and taters. I haven’t had a baby recently, therefore, no excuses for the excess weight I’m carrying around. I haven’t gone to the gym regularly or gone to shake my ass at the club to keep a firm, taught physique like I used to. The one thing that I *have* been doing regularly is cooking. And eating. And eating and eating some more. I have people over all the time and I’m cooking. No one ever asks for low fat food, they want all the fat-ass food that I specialize in making and well, seeing as I’m a fat-ass, I’ve been eating right along with them.

I decided to make a change. It’s still in the tentative stages. I started my Total Life Makeover. I decided that I want to look elegant and graceful, poised and well coiffed. Easy changes are the aesthetic ones, so I went through my closet and started tossing clothes I will never wear again, either because my boobs have gotten too big, or I just got too big, or the outfits are *too* slutty to wear anymore. I now have a huge heap to donate to Goodwill. (Does Goodwill take club clothes?) I kept a few that had sentimental value or that were just too cute to toss out, but I went on a massive shopping spree (spending money..yea!) and bought myself some new, tasteful clothes to wear. I got my hair did, my nails done and my wax on.

I also realized that I needed to make some new friends with similar interests. Some friends that have careers instead of jobs, degrees and diplomas, and ambitions in life. I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone else, but I just feel like I need some people in my life that want to excel, that want to learn new things and grow, the way I do. I also realized that I need to stay out of the bars because that’s where I get into the most drama, directly or indirectly. There’s always going to be something going on with one of my friends, but I just feel like the drama shouldn’t always start at my doorstep. I have a wonderfully fantastic friend that has been keeping me occupied on IM and, by the time we’re finished having the most random chats in history (the best kind in my opinion), I’m to the point where I don’t want to deal with anyone else’s bullshit and I just stay home.

I know I need to go out more if I’m ever going to get off my fat-ass and get married or make new friends, but I think I need to start going to better places and maybe the quality of people that I meet will increase. I’m going to start going to the gym so that my quantity of belly fat will decrease. I’m going to start read more so that my head is filled with more information than who Scarlett or Jennifer are hooking up with and I’m going to start attending different churches until I find that one that just clicks for me because I realized that part of why I feel empty and disconnected is because I’ve been neglecting my relationship with the Lord.

If you see me in the club, know that I’m there for the exercise and not to pick up random boys to make out with, as my habit has been in the past. If you see me looking “wide-load,” please steer me to the nearest eliptical or stair-stepper. If you see me reading a tabloid, please remove it from my eager grasp and give me a copy of Newsweek or Time. And, if you see me eating a hamburger or french fries or pancakes, feel free to bop me on the head and give me a carrot instead.

My head knows that I’m making a fresh start, but my belly and my carnal mind are in rebellion.

State of the Union: Determined
Listening to: Wake Up Call by Maroon 5

Edited: August 4th, 2008