Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness: Truth

Sometimes, the truth is staring you in the face and you just don’t want to deal with it. Sometimes, you just can’t bring yourself to face it. I’ve done a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve lived a life for like 10 people already. Lots of bad decisions. Lots of bad mistakes. Lots of regrets. You do things and you don’t think about the consequences of them. You don’t think about the repercussions of your actions because you’re being young, and free, and living in the moment. You don’t think about the future because you’re too busy living in the present. You will have plenty of time to repent in leisure.

My dad said something and it rang true. Some people are chosen. Some people are favored. Some people get the good life with the spouse, the kids, the house, the dog, the picket fence, the works. Other people aren’t so lucky. Some people don’t get the dream. Some people don’t get forever. Some people don’t get happiness because they don’t deserve it.

State of the Union: Pensive
Listening to: Nothing Lasts Forever by Maroon 5

Edited: February 17th, 2010

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness: Sick Hope

Have you ever met someone and knew that they were the person for you? There’s no factual knowledge to base this on, but you just knew from the moment that you met them that they were it? Then you realize you’re screwed because they’re with someone else.

You don’t do anything to break them up, you have no overt plot to destroy their happiness, you just wish and hope, even though your happiness depends on the destruction of someone else’s. You shrivel up in a ball of despair because that person is perfect and no man or woman in their right mind would let them go. You finally give up hope and resign yourself to a life without them. Then, a friend gives you the barest sliver of hope and the whole sick cycle starts over.

So here I am, yet again, waiting and hoping that someone that I’ve only spoken to twice will serendipitously show up in my life again and find a reason to stay this time.

I’m tired of being alone.
I’m tired of watching someone else enjoy my happy ending.

State of the Union: Sad, yet hopeful
Listening to: My heartbeat speeding up.

Edited: July 25th, 2008

Melancholy and Infinite Sadness: This Can’t End Well

May 12th, BD Day, is rapidly approaching. That is the scariest day of the year for me. It’s the day that I either go down in history or go down in flames. That’s right. It’s Belly Dancing Day. As in, we have to have a recital in the belly dancing class I’m taking. Half of the people at my job are going to show up. Some of my closest friends. And even worse, I’m not allowed to have a drink first. I was *totally* relying on liquid courage to get me through this.

I have a fear of people looking at me. It developed in the last two years. This is supposed to be a way to conquer my fear and learn something new at the same time. Sounds easy enough in theory, but putting it into action is a little bit tougher than anticipated. It’s bad enough that we have to do group choreography, but it’s bearable. I can hide in the back with all the other challenged…uh, novices. But, we also have to do an individual dance. No one to hide behind, just me, alone, in front of a group of strangers, and people I will have to face next week at work. Fun!

I am terrified and there’s not enough time for my Nana to start the 30 Days Prayer on my behalf. Maybe I can wrangle a novena out of her…..

I’ll let you know how it goes. Until, then, I’m just channeling Shakira.

Edited: July 19th, 2008

Melancholy and Infinite Sadness: The Song Remembers When

It’s funny how a song can take you back to a completely different time in your life. I was listening to “Old School Friday” on Sirius Radio and they started playing “Ditty” by Paperboy. This song took me back. In an instant, I was driving down the highway with my best friend. The moon roof was open, the windows were down and there were stars for days. I can still hear the wind, I can still see the mountains in the distance and I can smell the scent of Marlboros as we race up the highway. Oh, if I could go back. I was happy and free and had the world at my feet and didn’t even know it. I miss Gabrielle. I miss the girl I used to be. I’d give ten years off my life to go back to that time.

It’s Old School Friday, people, pull out your old mix tapes and get nostalgic with me.

Edited: July 19th, 2008