Fool For Love: Operation Booby Trap

I haven’t had to do one of these in a long time. I have come to the realization that I am not meant to have female friends. I’m just not. I don’t understand them or their thought processes. One of my friends, let’s call her Tess, was engaged to this guy that is a real jerk. He has cheated on her before and she took him back. They were supposed to get married in September. She wanted to make sure that he wasn’t cheating on her again and asked for my help. I initially said no. It’s just not a scene I want to get involved in.

She kept badgering and badgering me about it until I gave in, but I had a couple of provisos. I told her that I would help her, but she needed to keep my name out of it. I did not want to be in the middle of their he-said/she-said drama. I also told her that if I helped her and it turned out that he was cheating and she stayed with him that was it. I didn’t want her calling me in the middle of the night in tears. No more complaining about how he treats her or how he lies or anything. I didn’t want to hear anything but sunshine and roses and she agreed.

It was so easy that it was like taking candy from a baby. All I did was put an ad up on Craig’s List under Casual Encounters. What did it say, you ask? “28 year old BSF seeks Caucasian or Hispanic male for NSA fun. I don’t want to hear about your personal problems, or your issues with your girlfriend or baby mama. I want a man between the ages of 25-30 that can get it up, keep it up, and then leave, no questions asked, when it’s over.” I left that ad up between 2:30 p.m. and 5:15 p.m. and got 59 hits.

Off topic, but who are these men and why are they not at work? I got 59 responses, accompanied by 59 penis shots. Yes, I had 59 penis pictures in my inbox. Who has pictures of their penis that they can send at the drop of a dime during the middle of the workday? Some of these fools were responding from their Crackberries or Treos. What kind of person trolls Craig’s List from their cell phone? You are seriously depraved if you’re walking around with cock pics on your phone. I mean damn, men. Is it that serious? Are you that damned desperate? Okay, I’m back. Rant over.

As I said, I had 59 responses. Her fiancée was the fourth person that responded. How do I know it was him? Well, for starters, he sent the email from his Gmail account with his first name dot his last name. Secondly, he posted a picture of his body. Then a picture of the huge wings tat he has on his back. Then a picture of his face, and finally, he sent me a picture of his penis. And, judging by that penis pic, she is a total size-queen and I know EXACTLY why she puts up with his shit.

I gave her all the information and she’s understandably upset. This is the man that she was planning on spending her life with and he’s cruising for whorebags on Craig’s List. She sat on the information until they got back from vacation (non-refundable means just that apparently) and then she let him have it. They had WWIII at their house. How do I know? Because I got a phone call from him questioning my loyalty and asking why did I take part in her sting operation when I knew him longer than her. OMFG. Seriously? Seriously. That dumb (Pick your curse word; Mine rhymes with “punt”) told him that I was involved, after I specifically requested her not to, knowing that he has a bad temper and has been known to “Ike Turner” a woman. So, what did I do? Played dumb. Acted shocked and surprised that he would do something like that to her. Basically, made it seem as if she called his bluff and he played right into it.

She put him out and he’s going around telling people that he broke up with her because she’s crazy and he’s glad to be free and on and on. You would think that she would have taken this to heart and just walked away. You would think that she would have some pride left, but apparently her pride was the last thing he packed up as he left their home because she’s been getting wasted in the bars and then calling him for late night hook ups. I can bet my left breast that she’s going to take him back. He has her dickmatized. Lord, don’t ever let me run across some ass that damned good that I would be willing to throw away my morals, my convictions and my pride, just to get pounded by 10 inches of flesh.

I am a fool for love, but I don’t want to be a fool like that.

State of the Union: Exasperated
Listening to: The Greatest by Cat Power

Edited: August 26th, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume 8

Zane is a Fool for Love. He’s the worst kind. He doesn’t even know that he’s a fool; he just thinks he’s in love. His girlfriend is a stripper, exotic dancer, pick your term. She is an exhibitionist to the extreme, starting when she was five and let Billy Durham look up her skirt as she climbed the stairs to the slide. She gets off on the adoration, she loves the look on men’s faces as they’re devouring her with their eyes and caressing her as they slide bills into her g-string.Why am I discussing her? Because she is the culmination and ruination of him.

Zane loves that his girlfriend is a stripper. He loves the high fives and the looks of frank admiration that he gets from guys when they see him out with her. She is his pride and joy, the one thing that he has done right in his life, or so he would believe. He doesn’t read all that much anymore. He certainly doesn’t write sonnets the way he used to. He doesn’t hang out with the boys or hang out with anyone, as a matter of fact. He comes home from work, showers, changes clothes, and then goes to sit in the back of the club watching his chick make money.

Why is Zane a Fool for Love? He just found out that she’s sleeping with the owner of the club she works in and he still wants to be with her. She’s just told him that she wants to move out of the house that they share and into a new, larger home, but he still thinks she’s coming back and that this is all “a temporary setback” as he calls it. He doesn’t realize that she’s moved on to greener pastures permanently. He thinks that she’s “testing” the water and that, once she realizes that money can’t buy happiness, she’ll be back.

So, here he sits, on my couch, surreptitiously wiping the tears from his eyes as he watches “Spiderman III,” trying to hold it together and failing miserably. He’s not to the point where he is willing to hear anything bad about her, he’s definitely not in a position to move on, and he’s certainly too fragile right now to educate him on the hard lessons that come from falling in love with a girl that will never be able to love him back.

Edited: July 25th, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume Seven

I normally do “Fool for Love” about friends of mine, but today I’m doing it about an ex. Names have been changed because frankly, their shame is too great. I’m starting to think that I am a vortex for inane, insane catfights, because they seem to follow me wherever I go.

Damian is hot, no way to dispute it. The girls go WILD when they meet him. He has the good looks, the height, the nice clothes, nice car, pimped out loft, the smoothness, the everything. I don’t ever date cute guys (ugly boys with low self esteem is normally where I like to swim), but even I succumbed to his charms. I got off easier than others and he and I are really good friends. We’re comfortable in our relationship now that we can tease each other on our messed up love lives.

I was at the bar, minding my own business, when then b-s started. Damian normally has three women that he sees. He has a fairly good rotation going with one good looking girl, one all right girl and one ugly girl that serves as his booty call. Pretty Girl shows up dressed like a flipping dominatrix, even though it’s the summer time. All she needed was the whip. She comes up to him and whispers in his ear and then goes to dance. All Right Girl shows up completely wasted and is all over Damian. Ugly Girl comes in and sees this and she goes up to them and she starts talking smack to All Right Girl. All Right Girl then proceeds to start talking smack back. They get all Jerry Springer in each other’s faces. Then Pretty Girl comes back from dancing, sidles up to Damian and kisses him on the lips, completely oblivious to the b-s going on in front of her.

Two girls are about to come to blows when they finally notice Pretty Girl trying to make a move on “their” man. Ugly girl proceeds to pull Pretty Girl off Damian by her hair. She hits the ground. All Right Girl tells Ugly Girl off, saying that she snuck up on Pretty Girl. Ugly Girl slaps All Right Girl in the face and asks did that sneak up on her, too. Pretty Girl proceeds to get up and pushes Ugly Girl. They all start yelling at each other. The b word flies around a lot, the heads start popping, the necks start rolling and, before you know it, fists are flying, claws are out and it’s a brawl.

Pretty Girl looks like she’s going to have a black eye tomorrow. All Right Girl has scratches down the side of her face where Pretty Girl scratched her with her acrylics. Ugly girl was ugly to begin with, so there’s no way to really estimate the damage, except to say that her shirt was literally ripped from her body when the other two girls finally got a clue and teamed up on her. Breasts flying everywhere. Very disturbing.

All the girls got thrown out of the club, Damian went about his business like nothing was wrong, getting his back slapped and tequila shots bought for him by his friends, and I ordered another Vodka Tonic, cursing myself because I forgot to bring the Skittles……….

Edited: July 21st, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume Six

As previously mentioned, I went to the bar with the specific purpose of watching some drama, and man, they didn’t disappoint. This isn’t your typical Fool for Love, but I put it here because there is a lesson to be learned about families. Some things are okay, others are taboo, and some things should be kept in Kentucky.

Keith’s girlfriend, Anna, is a whore. It’s a well known fact, like the sky is blue and Kevin Federline is a loser. She has slept with anyone and everyone. She readily admits it, but, she swears up and down that, since she and Keith got “serious” and moved in with each other two months ago, that she is a changed person. She swears that she is faithful now and would never do anything to hurt him. Uh…okay. I believe you, really I do.

Anna had been messing around with this guy, Sean, for about three weeks now. Sean is Keith’s cousin. They also happen to be closer than brothers, even though they lived in two different states until he moved here almost a month ago. He apparently met Anna at a bar, on a night when she told Keith that she was working late. She hooked up with Sean the same night she met him (dirty, dirty whore) and she gave him a fake name. She hadn’t met Sean yet, so she had no clue who he was. The picture of her in Keith and Anna’s apartment was taken before she dyed and cut her hair. How did I find out? They both have a mutual friend that they confided the story to. That person, in turn, told me. Mutual Friend has been crushing on Sean since they were like nine, and she wanted Anna exposed, only she didn’t want to be the one to do it.

I found myself in the middle. Mutual Friend was not thinking about Keith, she was thinking about bumping out the competition. Ordinarily, I would refuse to play the game and let her handle her own dirty work, but Keith is the nicest man you will ever meet in your life and he does not deserve to be played foul. So, what to so, what to do?

I arranged for EVERYONE to meet at my friend’s bar. I told him ahead of time what the deal was, so he wouldn’t call the cops and (go ahead, castigate me, I deserve it) I brought a pack of sour Skittles and sat back to watch the show. I didn’t do anything other than introduce everyone. Then I sat back, opened my Skittles and let the fireworks fly. All it needed was subtitles to be a French comedy of errors film. Tears were shed, excuses made, drinks were slapped off tables, blows were exchanged and a couple broke up.

Sean and Keith are cool with each other, after it came out (two black eyes, one bruised rib, and a broken nose later) that Sean had no idea who Anna was. Mutual Friend and Sean have a date for Sunday night. Keith is currently sleeping on my couch because he’s afraid he’ll smother Anna with a pillow in her sleep if he goes home. Anna is texting, calling and leaving notes on his car trying to explain. She won’t dare come and knock on my door because she’s afraid she’ll get another black eye to match the one that I gave her after she said that I was a lying bitch that manufactured this whole scene and that she hopes I die along with my brother.

And I, hapless narrator and innocent bystander, I am pissed because I spilled all my Skittles trying to avoid Sean’s body as Keith body slammed him and broke the chair I was sitting in…….

Edited: July 21st, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume Five

Stan is a player, through and through. He tells you what you want to hear, makes you think you are special and has you believing that you are the best woman on the planet. Only problem is, he’s saying the same thing to your friend, your coworker, your sister, and, sometimes, even your mother. He’s ugly to me. I am not remotely attracted to him and, if he was the last man on earth, the Good Lord would have to make us from clay again, because I wouldn’t touch him.

He’s a homie. For all you that don’t know, a homie is a thug. He wears Polo and Nautica, listens to homie music (hip hop, gangsta rap) and drives a Buick Regal with spinner rims and a chandelier. To top it all off, he has a grill. Need I say more? (For all of you out of the loop, a grill is like a denture that fits over your teeth made of gold, silver or platinum with bling inside, like diamonds, emeralds, rubies, etc)

He has been romancing three friends. And, on Friday, they all found out about each other. We were all supposed to meet for Happy Hour at 4:30 at this place that makes killer Mexican Martinis. He thought it was just going to me, him, and one of the ladies he was talking to. What he didn’t factor in is that women talk. About everything. Two of these women worked at the same company and one of them had a mutual friend that knew the third lady. I changed his name for this, but let’s just say that his real name is distinctive and there aren’t a lot of guys with it.

These three ladies were all discussing this wonderful guy that they were seeing and, as women are wont to do, overshared certain detail such as name, size, and workplace of said man. When all of them realized that he was seeing each of them, they devised to meet up at happy hour. I just showed up for the drinks and to see some mayhem, and I got my money’s worth.

They all showed up and, when realizing he was busted, he played the whole, “I’m a man and I can’t be tied down card.” Then he said that he never said he was exclusive with any of them. Instead of them walking away, or getting pissed off at him, they turn on each other like a pack of hyenas. They start talking about who’s better for him, who looks better, who can put it down in the bedroom. Before long, a yelling match ensues. Insults are hurled, feelings are hurt, and the drinks start flying. Then they get physical and start brawling.

The messed up part is that he was sitting there, next to me, with a smile on his face. He sat back and watched these girls embarrass themselves and make a fool of themselves over him. He was thoroughly enjoying it. Security finally broke it up and kicked them all out and he STAYED. He filmed it on his video phone and was sending it to everyone.

Then, these girls had to show up at work, knowing that everyone knew about it. They couldn’t deny it, he had the whole thing streaming on his website and on myspace. These girls are still at each others throats and NOT A SINGLE ONE of these dumb broads has the good sense to realize that the person they should be pissed off at is HIM. I was drunk as a skunk and knew that he was in the wrong, I can’t believe that they went off on each other when they should have been kicking his ugly, whorish, homie @ss all across that restaurant.

All I could do was shake my head. Some women never learn…….

Edited: July 20th, 2008

Fool For Love: All About Me

I got put on blast by my last Fool for Love victim. He told me that it’s one thing to put someone else’s mistakes out there for people to pick apart and dissect, but it’s quite another matter when it’s you in the hot seat. I am forced (not really forced, as I was going to do it anyway, but whatever) to air my dirty laundry for the delectation of the masses. So many stories, where does one begin?

I am a fool for love. I’ll admit it. I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed, either. It’s experience that shapes and molds you into the person that you are today. So, I may as well start at the beginning.

His name was Anthony. He was my one true love. He is the guy that I compare all guys to, even to this day. He was shy, skinny, wore glasses, liked to lift weights and was absolutely crazy about me. I was rounded (but not fat yet), outgoing, liked to read and party and was absolutely ape shit over him. He was my perfect man. He was smart, he was funny, he was romantic and he was the first guy that made me feel like I was the center of his world. I definitely made him the center of mine. We were always laughing, always touching, always finishing each other’s sentences.

We were inseparable. We went to school together, we worked together and, at one point, we lived together. Too much togetherness is not always a good thing. I was insecure and was loathe to let him out of my sight. He was insecure and jealous and he had to know where I was every single second of the day. His mother couldn’t stand me and my mother couldn’t stand him, the feeling was mutual and they couldn’t stand each other to boot. His mom thought my mom was too emotional and my mom thought his was too cold and clinical.

We were Romeo and Juliet up against the world. We were young. I cringe now at how fast we jumped into everything, but we were in love and naively thought that love was enough. I loved him enough to move out of my mother’s house and in with him, even though I knew it was a sin in my religion. I loved him enough to turn my back on all my religious training and to turn my back on God. I loved him enough to give up my full scholarship to Harvard because he couldn’t bear to see me leave and I couldn’t bear to be without him. I loved him enough compromise who I was and what I stood for, but he didn’t love me enough to stick it out when he had to make similar sacrifices. We broke up right before Thanksgiving one year (which started my Thanksgiving Curse, but that’s another tale for another day) and my parents had me on suicide watch because they were convinced I would die without him and they had good reason to worry.

We broke up, made up, fought like Bobby and Whitney and made up like Travis and Shanna. We fell in love. It was love, young, stupid, wildly out of control, but it was love. Jealousy and insecurity ultimately led to our demise, that, and the death of our daughter. It’s been over a decade and part of me still loves him and epitomizes him as the quintessential first love and he told me that he feels the same. It’s one of those situations where you know you’re destructive for each other and that it’s best if you’re not together, but part of you wishes that it could have worked out all the same.

He taught me so much about relationships and about me as a person. I learned that trust is key and, if you don’t have it, you might as well hang it up, because it’s never going to work. I learned to value the Big Three: no lying, no cheating, and no hitting. I learned that you could have your heart’s desire taken away and still manage to move on. I learned that you can open your heart to someone and want to be around them, but you have to have your own interests, your own life outside that person, or else you’ll suffocate each other or lose yourself.

I’m still a hopeless romantic. I still haven’t been put off of love. I haven’t become jaded. I still think that there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to be receptive when they show up. Feel free to speak honestly and tell me what you think. I’m a big girl; I can take it. I know I’m love’s bitch, but at least I’m honest enough to admit it.

Edited: July 20th, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume Four

Michael is a fool for love. He loves pretty girls with long hair, lithesome bodies and beautiful eyes. He likes the girls that look sweet and innocent. Problem is, every girl he picks out seems to be anything but. They will start out liking him, and why not. He’s smart, very droll, snappy dresser and educated. He lives in a nice condo, has a bitchin’ ride and a timeshare in Tahoe. They go out, they talk on the phone, they have a good time, but then things sour.

Michael’s problem isn’t with himself, it’s with his friends. He introduces these girls to his friends and honestly seems surprised as, one by one, they get poached. Michael isn’t a bad looking guy, not at all, but his friends are smoking hot, have nicer cars and trust funds, so they’re able to pick up and go whenever and wherever without the buzzkill of requesting vacation time. His friends don’t think twice about trying to make a play for his chicks. Michael, time after time, has graciously stepped aside in favor of his friends that have more “in common” with his latest paramour.

He’s so nice that he doesn’t realize that his friends are snakes. I understand the sentiment that men have that women aren’t worth fighting over and potentially ruining a friendship over, but, at the same time, what kind of friend would take what they want at the expense of another friend’s happiness? And, for that matter, what kind of girl would ditch a guy for his friend? Can this girl truly be a trusted friend? Is you buddy really your buddy or just an opportunist? When does the line get obscured?

Michael is a fool for love, or just a plain fool, depending on who you ask. Let’s hope that he wises up before it’s too late. On the bright side, he could always open up a matchmaking service. He seems to have *such* a knack for bringing people together.

Edited: July 20th, 2008

Fool For Love: Ha!

As everyone knows, I write a little piece called “Fool for Love,” where I chronicle the misadventures of my friends on their quest for love. I change the names, but other than that, it’s pretty much entirely a mirror of what happened in these people’s lives.

One of my friends is an avid reader and she can’t *wait* until I’m done so that she can cast her vote for the “Biggest Fool.” She kept going on and on about what a loser the chick I was writing about was, and how an intervention needs to be staged, and she wants to meet this girl so she could slap some sense into her. Then she said I need to give this girl a crown and a scepter, because she is the Queen of Fools.

Funny thing is, the story she is going off about it about her! She doesn’t even recognize that it’s her that I’m writing about and all I changed was her name. I didn’t change any locations, any events, nothing, just her name. I haven’t posted her story yet, because every time I’m ready to put it up, she does something more boneheaded that she did before.

Do you even need to ask how much fun I’m going to have picking out her tiara?

Edited: July 20th, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume Two

Jessica is an attention seeker. If your father died, or your car got repoed, or your wife cheated on you, she will find a way to turn the situation around and make it about herself. She loves bad boys. What is it about a bad boy that turns your legs to jelly and your brain to mush? She wont date a decent, respectable guy. Oh, no, he’s too boring for her. She has to have excitement, she has to have drama, and, if there is no drama, she will go out of her way to start some.

She dates older men. They never seem to have real jobs. When you ask them what they do for a living, you’ll get a monologue, but never a straight answer. They never seem to have real homes and end up living with her. They have crappy cars (bad) or no cars (worse) and always seem to be strapped for cash. She is forever putting in overtime to be able to keep her men in the luxury that they have become accustomed to. She buys them name brand everything, meanwhile, she shops for herself at Target.

They lie to her, cheat on her, take her money, break her down and she keeps going back for more. She knows she deserves better, but there is a neurological breakdown going on somewhere in that airhead of hers, because she can’t seem to equate that there is a better way to live. Jessica is a fool for love living in a fool’s paradise and the worst part is that she knows she’s a fool, but she’s too foolish to stop.

Edited: July 20th, 2008

Fool For Love: Volume One

I’m going to do a section on “Fools for Love” and, after I’ve finished, I want people to vote for the biggest fool. Names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the stories are real. ( I sound like the announcer on “Cops”) :p

Victim One I will call Credence. Credence is a fool for love. She’s in love with the man of her dreams. Her son. Her son is perfect. He’s going to be a singer and she does whatever it takes to see him succeed. She works like a dog from sun up to sun down seven days a week to be able to support him. She pays for everything as he schleps from one job to the next, only to quit after a week or so because it’s “not interesting enough” or “crappy.”

No mention is made of how hard she works. No mention is ever made of paying her back all the money that she’s shelled out in tuition, in living expenses, the new car for him, even though she rides the bus or bums rides whenever possible. He lies to her, takes money out of her account, charges up her credit card, and she takes it. She neglects her other, less talented, son in favor of this one. The blatant favortism makes me want to cry. This child has been pushed to the side in favor of the Anointed One, as we’ve dubbed him.

He won’t let her have a boyfriend. He systematically sabotages every relationship that she’s in because, if she gets a new man in her life, her time and energy, not to mention her money, will be diverted. She lives her life, cloistered away, with a few friends, no dates and no prospects. She’s given up on love. She doesn’t even look at men anymore. Men have no meaning for her. She has her son. She has the dreams that he will graduate and make it big and then her just reward will come.

Edited: July 19th, 2008