Bloggedy Blogger: The Awesomeness of You

I used to get all these ideas about what all you guys look like it my head. I didn’t know what your voices sounded like, but I could imagine and pretend. You give good advice to me over the internet, you know more about certain aspects of my life than my own mother, but I haven’t met the majority of you. You come into my life, and I into yours, and we’re strangers, but we’re soooo not strangers.

You’ve laughed with me. Cried with me. Got angry with me. Threatened people with pitchfork-mobs on my behalf. You’ve cheered me up, cheered me on, and been some of the best cyber-friends a pal can have. Gianni used to call you my “blog peeps” and my “cyber-family” and you guys really are.

I’m waxing sentimental here, and not drunk at all, so that must mean I really love you guys. I’ll be all evil and bitter later and put things back to normal, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being my family.

State of the Union: Warm and Fuzzy
Listening to: the whir of the fan in my MacBook

Edited: January 25th, 2010

Bloggedy Blogger: Myself

I keep my life compartmentalized. I don’t like for my worlds to collide. I keep my family separate from my friends. A lot of people on here are like family. We’ve never met, but you guys know more about me than my own family does. They would have an absolute SHIT FIT if they knew I was blogging about my life, let alone what I do with my free time.I’m not saying I’m a wild child by any stretch of the imagination to a *normal* person, but my dad’s family is *extremely* conservative and my “antics” would bring shame on the house of Usher. (I almost put my dad’s real last name on here until I realized he could google it, pull up this blog and then my existence would topple like a house of cards in a tornado).

My cousin tried to friend me on Facebook and I hit the ignore button. It seems kinda mean, but I have to protect my privacy. Any of you that actually read my Facebook page would die laughing because I put *everything* on there, but it’s different. No one from my family is on there. They have no idea what I do, who my friends are, who I am and I want to keep it that way. The less they have to gossip about regarding myself, the better.

I have coworkers that read my blog. I’m careful not to refer to my company by name or give away any information that’s privileged, but it’s kinda cool. I have put some of my coworkers on blast for some of the things they do. I got told it was risky, but hey, they’re the ones breaking company policy or acting like a fool, not me, so why should I worry? There’s a bit of anonymity with that because only a select few even know I blog, so, if any leaks occur, I know where to go first.

One of my friends told me that she read my blog. I did a double take because I didn’t think she knew about it. Apparently, she actually looks at the information page on Facebook and I have it listed on their. I never read that crap, except when it’s a cute boy and I want to find out if he’s married, but other than that, nothing. Her reading that prompted me to think about how much of myself I’m putting out there and who has access to it. My Facebook is set to private, my pictures can only be viewed by friends, and I only accept people that I know (either from blogging or that I have physically met in person through school, work, etc.) but it still makes me nervous about how much of me is out there.

Do you ever get concerned that you’re showing too much of your soul through your blog?

State of the Union: Pensive Listening to: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

Posted: 9:25 AM, Wed 25 Nov 2009 in Bloggedy Bloggers

Edited: January 25th, 2010

Bloggedy Blogger: Myself

I keep my life compartmentalized. I don’t like for my worlds to collide. I keep my family separate from my friends. A lot of people on here are like family. We’ve never met, but you guys know more about me than my own family does. They would have an absolute SHIT FIT if they knew I was blogging about my life, let alone what I do with my free time.I’m not saying I’m a wild child by any stretch of the imagination to a *normal* person, but my dad’s family is *extremely* conservative and my “antics” would bring shame on the house of Usher. (I almost put my dad’s real last name on here until I realized he could google it, pull up this blog and then my existence would topple like a house of cards in a tornado).

My cousin tried to friend me on Facebook and I hit the ignore button. It seems kinda mean, but I have to protect my privacy. Any of you that actually read my Facebook page would die laughing because I put *everything* on there, but it’s different. No one from my family is on there. They have no idea what I do, who my friends are, who I am and I want to keep it that way. The less they have to gossip about regarding myself, the better.

I have coworkers that read my blog. I’m careful not to refer to my company by name or give away any information that’s privileged, but it’s kinda cool. I have put some of my coworkers on blast for some of the things they do. I got told it was risky, but hey, they’re the ones breaking company policy or acting like a fool, not me, so why should I worry? There’s a bit of anonymity with that because only a select few even know I blog, so, if any leaks occur, I know where to go first.

One of my friends told me that she read my blog. I did a double take because I didn’t think she knew about it. Apparently, she actually looks at the information page on Facebook and I have it listed on there. I never read that crap, except when it’s a cute boy and I want to find out if he’s married, but other than that, nothing. Her reading that prompted me to think about how much of myself I’m putting out there and who has access to it. My Facebook is set to private, my pictures can only be viewed by friends, and I only accept people that I know (either from blogging or that I have physically met in person through school, work, etc.) but it still makes me nervous about how much of me is out there.

Do you ever get concerned that you’re showing too much of your soul through your blog?

State of the Union: Pensive Listening to: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
Posted: 9:25 AM, Wed 25 Nov 2009 in Bloggedy Bloggers

Edited: November 25th, 2009

Bloggedy Blogger: Where Do We Go From Here?

I know that a lot of people are mirror posting on various sites. Let me know which site you want me to comment on. One comment from me is enough, eh?

State of the Union: Dreary like the weather
Listening to: Blur by Britney Spears

Edited: June 1st, 2009

Bloggedy Blogger: Where Do We Go From Here

I know that a lot of people are mirror posting on various sites. Let me know which site you want me to comment on. One comment from me is enough, eh?

State of the Union: Dreary like the weather
Listening to: Blur by Britney Spears

Edited: March 26th, 2009

Bloggedy Blogger: Blog Birthday

It’s my blog’s birthday. I’ve been blogging for one whole year today. In honor of this, and because I haven’t finished all the entries for my next blogging victim yet, this Bloggedy Blogger entry is dedicated to ME! (Vain, aren’t I?)

3/15 My very first blog entry was a rant. (Big surprise, huh?) This blog was supposed to be homework from my therapist to help me deal with my issues with being raped. So what do I do? I blog about a friend and stupid people. This will be a common thread. (Me ranting about stupid people and not following instructions)

3/18 Slayer spends $500 for a hotel room on St. Paddy’s Day and doesn’t even get any ass out of it. Yes, I am luxurious like that. Or stupid like that…

4/6 I wrote my first Fool For Love.

4/9 I blogged about why I would never become a My Space Whore after refereeing a fight at three in the morning between two friends. Fast forward to a month ago and lo and behold, Gianni turned me into a hypocritimus and made me a My Space page. (Hangs her head in shame.) In my defense, most of my friends don’t know about it, so it is 100% drama free.

4/18 I did my first meme courtesy of Shoegal. (Side note: Whatever happened to her? I loved her blog.)

4/30 I did a Fool For Love about myself. Damn, I made myself cry.

5/5 I wrote about my waffle halves. Reading this strengthens my resolve not to go back to him, no matter how hot he looks or how he makes me feel.

5/14 Gianni told me that he had lymphoma. I know now that he had it for a while before this and chose not to tell me, but he finally came clean and told me about it on this day.

5/20 I blogged for the first time about why I hate Amanda. Oh, what an oracle I was and didn’t even know it. That girl is evil personified.

5/24 I blogged (one of many posts, I’m sure) about my boobies expanding to gargantuan proportions while shopping for bikinis. With restyle, all the comments were lost, but I remember this particular one because King of Ankh wanted me to post pictures of me in my too small tops, just to confirm mind you, and Texican seconded him. It was kinda funny.

6/2 I learned that, when drama breaks out, I like to have a pack of Sour Skittles handy.

6/10 Shame Spiral. I can’t find any words. This was one of the worst days ever.

7/18 Gianni switched my cookies with his hard-as-a-rock cookies and I took them to work and embarrassed myself immensely in front of this guy I liked.

7/19 Midnight Margaritas! I went to Walmart, had paint mixed, moved furniture, painted three walls in my apartments, and put all the furniture and pictures back and woke up the next morning with no recollection of doing ANY of it.

8/5 Proud moment. I survived my first belly dancing competition. And we placed!

8/15 Blogged about Cancun. Can’t wait for the reunion trip in May. I’m going with Julie and her husband. I can see dancing on top of bars in my future…

8/21 Use Me Up. I blogged about my user friends. I guess it’s always painful when you realize that you value your friendships more than the people you’re supposed to be good friends with.

8/24 Gianni hijacked my blog (My own fault, really, because to this day, I have it set up to remember my password, but still). He blogged about ten things everyone should know about me. This one was funny because I remember Birdy adding that I am a “Killer of Cell Phones.”

8/26 I got ranty because everyone was being emphatically Anti-American.

8/28 I ruminated on my dark and twisty love life. (Homework from the therapist, and she even logged on to check and see if I did it. That bitch.)

8/31 I finally did what this blog was for and talked about the stalker ex. He is a prime example of why I am not allowed to choose my own future mate.

9/3 and 9/5 Apparently, I became a member of the Cougar Club and no one bothered to tell me.

10/3 I was LIVID and OUTRAGED when one of my so-called friends decided to throw her party on the same night as mine. It seems silly now, but at the time, GRRRRRRR!!!!!

10/11 It was my burfday (My dad is from New York and that’s what it sounds like when he says it) and I did it up with dinner at Al Capone’s with my closest amigos. I miss Brandon every day, but especially on our burfday.

10/16 I let the whole world know that I am in LOOOOVE with Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy. I also blogged about my Coed Slumber Party. I don’t think Birdy ever posted the pics from that, but lets just say that 99% of my friends have big boobies and leave it at that.

10/21 My dad and I ended up at a strip club in Vegas. Just another family trip for us…..

11/14 I embarked on my total life makeover after realizing that my entire life was in a rut. I bought a new wardrobe, got a new hairstyle, dumped a lot of my dead-weight friends and stopped barhopping on a nightly basis and started reading more.

11/17 Slayer gets charged with a BWI—Blogging While Intoxicated. Not my first one, but definitely the most embarrassing one. I can’t believe that I said that this guy smelled so good I wanted to sniff him. I still burn with embarrassment over that one…

11/26 I visited my baby, ate plenty of pumpkin roll, and made up with my best friend from high school. Some people you have to keep as friends because denying them would be like denying a large part of yourself…

12/1 I was buzzing from the fumes as I spray painted my Christmas tree white.

12/7 This was just the worst day ever. I found out I couldn’t get waxed anymore and every bad thing that could possibly happen in one day just happened.

12/9 Slayer and Company gets into a coffee slinging argument that culminates in us being banned from Starbucks. How embarrassing…

12/16 I found out that my dancing partner and dear friend was shot in the head and left for dead outside his apartment complex. The only silver lining to this is that they caught the two seventeen-year-old boys that did it a few weeks ago.

12/19 My company Holiday Party. Drama, drama, drama, but damn I loved the dress I made for it.

12/21 I made my manly wish list for what qualities that I wished my husband would have. Know what the saddest part is? My perfect man was living inside my home the entire time and I was too stupidly blind to see it. Gianni possessed every single trait that I wanted. I am a fool.

12/22 Dee Jay made me her Approved Blogger on the 20th and I picked callmejane as mine. Now, if I can get Meg to post a blog entry to let me know if she made it to her ideal weight or not, that will be the highlight of my day…

12/23 My dad manages to ruin any good feelings I have left for him. I don’t even try anymore. I’ve just accepted that he’s an ass and that he hates me and it’s never going to change.

12/24 I blogged about Christmas wishes.

12/31 I ruminated about what I want out of life and all the changes that I was making to make my goals a reality.

1/1 I did my first Bloggedy Blogger on thebigp.

1 /2 I blogged about New Years Eve and the James Bond party we went to. I also mentioned the wonderful idea that I had when I was on the bubbly about making all potential suitors answer memes because you learn so many random things with them. As I said, I was drinking pink champagne and hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time….

1/7 I went to a barbecue and basically ended up losing a circle of friends because I defended my best friend’s husband. I won’t let anyone talk smack about you and make up lies about you if I love you. It’s as simple as that. I also did my first ‘Shag or Die” and many of you surprised me with your responses.

1/12 It was a lovely day when the Giants stomped on the Cowboys (Sorry, Birdy) and shut all my annoying coworkers up.

1/15 Amanda broke into my apartment and destroyed all my pictures of my brothers. Hateful, hateful harpy.

1/17 I blogged about my trip to Boston, my colorful wardrobe and all the meh-looking girls in Boston. Good think I like boys because there were snugglebunnies galore. Hmm Mmm Good!

1/20 Moulin Rouge Party. Cancan dancers, absinthe, and me in skivvies. By the by, I saw part of the video and the only thing I can say in my defense is…at least the girl I was making out with was hot. Damn you, absinthe!

1/23 I did my Life Tunes and man, that was kinda brutal. Brought back a lot of good and bad memories. Such is the patchwork of my life. I also found out on this day that Gianni had stopped taking his meds four months ago and was dying. My nana also found out that she had cancer and gave me a tongue-lashing of a lifetime because I didn’t tell her. I was taking it from all sides this particular day…

1/25 The night of Kentucky Deluxe. The night that Gianni asked me to marry him.

2/2 Super Bowl Weekend. The Pats lost, the Giants won, and for the first time in forever, my dad actually smiled at me. After almost backhanding me earlier in the day, but whatever. You take your miracles where you can.

2/14 I got my claddagh ring. Every time I touch it, it makes me smile.

2/17 I sent out pink slips to my so-called friends after my nana died.

2/18 I blogged about my Christmas Wish being answered and my nana coming back to me.

2/25 I blogged about Gianni and I being soul-bonded. I still can’t believe that I called it the “magic thread of together foreverness.” I can’t believe that I didn’t do it earlier. It was one of the best moments of my life.

2/27 Rolando and I got into it all sick about Gianni, about this other guy and about my inability to make a commitment to him. He said a bunch of really mean things to me and, even though I know he was upset, that’s still no excuse for some of the vile shit he said.

3/3 I blogged about the loss of the best man that I have ever known and how I almost lost myself and forgot who I was.

3/7 I blogged about Meg’s music, which I listen to often, and the soothing effect it has on me.

3/9 Masked Ball. I love that dress. I would wear it every day if I could because I felt like a million bucks when I had it on.

3/11 A continuation of the buildup from 2/27. We still haven’t had the “talk” yet. It’s coming this weekend. Watch the sky for that big mushroom cloud.

3/15 Who knows what today will bring? Who knows what this next year will bring. I’ve lost two people that I really love. I’ve lost some people that I thought were good friends. I ditched a lot of people that were “less than stellar” friends. Hopefully, this year will bring me joyful things to blog about….or at least plenty of dummies that aren’t close friends of mine so that I can blog and we can laugh about them. Evil, aren’t I?

Hmm, guess I should get back to work, but the shouldn’t hook up internet access if I’m not allowed to use it.

State of the Union: Kinda Happy
Listening to: Pink Lavender Anvil

Edited: August 23rd, 2008

Bloggedy Blogger: Craaaap

I leave for a few days and come back to 189 blog posts. Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph! It’s going to take me ten years to plod through them, but plod I will. The brother unit is curious about what all the “bloggy people” are up to since I haven’t regaled him with any stories lately, so I have been given a directive to read, read, read your entries aloud to him and then he and I will be putting snarky comments on everyone’s blogs, so be prepared. Actually, we’re both under the weather, so we’re apt to be nicer, but whatever.

I have to fly home Sunday to take some tests Monday and Tuesday (stupid school @!%#$@), and then it’s back to Santa Barbara. I expect a home cooked meal on one of the three days I’m home, Birdy, and there’d better be some meat or else the Build-A-Bear gets it! This is no idle threat, Buddy.

There’s nothing interesting to blog about. We don’t see anyone but Gianni’s parents, the doctor and his two nurses, so no drama to report. It’s kind of refreshing really. Gianni tried to get his dad to hire some hot private nurses so he could live out his own porn fantasy, but his mom shot that one down with a quickness and hired two that look like Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I love Pilar (Gianni’s mom) but she is a total hater. You’d think she’s be fulfilling his last requests, but no dice. Hell, he got me to sing karaoke and you know how I feel about that crap.

The princess must go because the tyrant prince wants her to start reading some blogs before he zonks out from the meds. They give him some pills that I swear are horse tranquilizers or something. I wonder if it’s the same crap Amy Winehouse was zoned out on at the European VMAs. Hmmm….

Seriously, though, I have missed you guys.

State of the Union: Sick and Petulant
Listening to: My brother telling me to wrap it up already

Edited: August 18th, 2008

Bloggedy Blogger: Victim Two

Cue the ominous music. Okay, much better. I thought I posted this, but apparently, I got too free spirited with the champagne yesterday. Victim Two is one of my nearest and dearest. She is the second blog that I ever read on EFX and, after reading the “friend ranking” entry, I immediately subscribed and she hasn’t let me down in making me laugh and cry and getting me fat off recipes along the way. Victim Two is the lovely and talented Horse Whisperer NysaK ([URL="http://nysak.efx2blogs.com"]http://nysak.efx2blogs.com[/URL].)

Let’s get to it, shall we?

2/27 “It seems like it’s easy for me to give good advice to others but then not be able to apply it to my own life.” In only her second entry, she sums up one of the major problems in my life.

3/2 We had the same interpretation on the “Science of Sleep.” I, too, like movies with tidy endings. Tell me how it ended, dammit! I suck at interpretation.

3/12 She writes a lot of poetry. It sounds really good. I just suck at deciphering meanings. All of my English teachers will tell you the same.

3/12 I, too, have pondered a ranking system for friends. It should be a tier system with like three levels. Whether I answered your call or responded to your “emergency” would depend on your tier.

3/22 I walked in on some personal marriage issues. Still, it brightens my day to see someone married profess so openly how much they love their spouse.

4/1 Nysa has topless pics? WTF? Bet you went to go see for yourself, didn’t you?

4/9 She talks about cars. Knowledgeably. And she’s a girl. *Hang my head in shame.*

4/12 Her first meme. And she stole it! Meme thievery. I love it! My favorite: Have you ever: Had an affair while dating someone? Her reply: Again I am not a ratbastardhobagbitch.” High FIVE!

4/13 Nysa is definitely not a morning person

4/14 Well on her way to being a memeaholic

4/28 Nysak went to the dark side. She became a myspace whore. I spit my drink out when she wrote,” Ironically enough, it rejected me a few times before I was able to set up my profile, I have no idea why, but Photo said it was because it sensed I was past high school mentality ”

4/24 Someone was very hurtful about her writing style. Who does shit like that? Why would someone go out of their way to be hateful to someone else? Mean people suck. Meanies, this finger’s for you.

4/29 Nysa’s birthday/anniversary weekend. Yea! “I’d fuck that car’s hood ornament!” Priceless. I also found out someone got their nipple pierced. I have to ask. Can you see it through your shirts?

5/6 Nysa is a coal miner’s daughter. Well, her dad was a miner. I added the coal part because I love that song.

5/17 She posted a recipe for gingerbread molasses cookies. She is part of a vast, left wing conspiracy to keep me a big ole fatass.

6/13 Nysa and Styles won a cruise. A Florida vacation and cruise to be exact, motel, rental car, the cruise to the Bahamas and Universal Studios tickets. Can you stow me in your carry-on?

6/25 Nysak goes to my Mecca: The Mall of America. That’s like the mothership calling me home. Ommmmmmm.

7/13 Déjà vu. This meme is making the rounds again right now. Everything old is new again, like go-go boots.

7/19 Have you ever walked in halfway through a movie? Know how there’s some big act that happened in the first part that you missed and it’s referred to, but you have no idea what it is? Yeah, that’s where I’m at on this entry.

08/04 “Why must I keep fixing what I didn’t break? Why must I be the one patching the holes when I never made them? I sew, I spackle, I mend, I patch, but the rips remain, the drips remain, my fear remains, my anger remains, my pain remains.” Her words ripped me to shreds and I’m just an innocent bystander. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be experiencing this.

08/07 Nysa shows that girls that can check their own oil are hot. I think this post inspired me to learn how to do it, and not just so that I could get whistled at, too.

8/20 Meme thievery but we answered the same on #7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? “No, but I think he knows who did and he watched.”

8/20 What’s up with all these recipes? Now, we have brownies geared to make me an even bigger fatass.

8/22 Nysa shows what her mama gave her. Nice tots. I’ve never had Birch Beer before. Is that like cider or real beer?

8/29 I took nysak’s passion quiz. How the heck does she get sweet and virginal and I get called a bisexual diva? For real. “You’re a total sexual shape shifter. You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable. Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual.While you the most passionate, you are very open minded. To quote Xander from Buffy, “Gay me up!” Apparently, I already am and didn’t get the memo…….

8/31 I wanna see the sexy school girl pics!!!!!!!!!!

9/2 Meme thievery. She called me out by name and called me a drama queen to boot. God, I love this chick.

9/3 Nysa and I have the same kissing style. No worries, Styles. I live in Texas and it’s too cold where you are. I’ll keep my kissing to myself. “Your kissing technique is amazing – and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you’re passionate, sometimes you’re a tease. And you’re always amazing!” Damned straight we are!

9/5 Drama on the Range. Let me strap on my gun…..

9/30 Nysak and I have the same knack for dreaming about the last thing we saw on t.v. It’s a good habit to have when you’re watching hottie boys, but bad if you watch scary crap like “1408.”

10/15 Nysa’s beloved sewing machine bit the dust. R.I.P.

10/28 The Great Vlog debate. If you’re the star, shouldn’t it be on your blog? Anyway, seeing as it ended up on Style’s blog, the star obviously lost out. I’m thinking I should give you diva lessons, Nysa. You’ll never lose a debate again.

10/29 “I Can’t Do That Anymore” by Faith Hill is playing in my head as I read this particular entry. Just don’t start dreaming about a washing machine, okay?

11/2 Hey, I remember reading this. What happened to the “dirty girl” picture of you in your coveralls? Oh crap, got ahead of myself. Those showed up on 11/5

11/7 She loves football, Italian food, and seafood. If she liked beer, and I liked girls, she would be my perfect woman.

11/18 Nothing stands between Nysak and her pie. Damn you, Village Inn!

11/26 Snow? What is snow? Sooo glad I live in the Land of Eternal Summer.

12/06 “I hate snow, it needs to die,” ‘nuff said

12/12 Horses and snow. I like both of them from a distance. Wait, I like to ride horses, I just don’t like to muck out stalls.

12/18 5. She gets me. She really, really gets me: Do you like eggnog? Oh yes, oh yes! but only if it’s homemade with real eggs that will kill you and some bourbon

1/01 Nysa had to go to a funeral. Sad, sad. Makes me feel sad. I know that death is a part of life and ka is a wheel that must keep turning, but sometimes, I wish it could skip certain people and plow down others.

1/6 1/6 Nysa reminded all of us why we should sleep with one eye open around Dante.

So there you have it.

State of the Union: Amused
Listening to: You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse

Edited: August 18th, 2008

Bloggedy Blogger: Victim One

Someone cue the ominous music. Just kidding. I want to go on record as saying that this has been interesting watching people evolve into the bloggers that I love to read. I had already read like three people’s entries, so this is going in the order that they replied to my PM. Victim One of Bloggedy Blogger is none other than thebigp. [URL="http://thebigp.efx2blogs.com"]http://thebigp.efx2blogs.com[/URL] Phil started out on Modblog and then moved on to Blogger before he got with it and joined EFX. I want to thank him for letting me raid the panty drawers of his mind. We join our blogger in June of this year.

6.13 Phil decided to take control of his own destiny and switch gears from technical training and go to school to learn MCP, MSCA, and MCSE. It’s all Greek to me. They could be STD’s for all I know, but I do know that they will enable him to become one hot, techy, IT mofo when all is said and done.

6.14 Phil decided to take on the movie “Road House.” I, unlike Phil, loved seeing Patrick Swayze’s pasty ass in this flick. I also enjoyed the fan favorites of topless pool party, barroom strip tease and Kelly Lynch showing what her mama gave her. I do have to agree, though, that I loved the line, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” I might have to adopt that one.

6.17 On Father’s Day, he made me realize the difference between being a real dad and being one of the deadbeat, uncaring, indifferent fathers I refer to as “sperm donors.” He put his children’s well being ahead of his own selfish desires. Maybe we should hire him out to give seminars because there are a lot of men that should take notes.

6.20 Have a problem you need to get solved? Need a swift kick in the nuts to bring you back to reality? Then you need Dear McCracken. Dear McCracken made me realize that I never, ever want to get advice in love and life from a man. That’s like getting rough, no-nonsense Scott’s Tissue when you really wanted the gentleness of Charmin.

7.01 I now know to avoid looking on the sides of the road if I ever drive in Pennsylvania because apparently, they never clean up their roadkill. I also learned from Phil’s eldest that wild kangaroos have been spotted marauding in North America. I also had to laugh at my beloved Myrtle Beach being referred to as the “Redneck Riviera.”

7.05 Phil [I]voluntarily[/I] went to West Virginia. There are not enough words.

7.08 Phil’s only son became a Crotchgrabasaurus Rex.

7.11 Thebigp finally got with the times and bought an iPod. Knew you couldn’t stay away long; We’re a cult. Phil also bought his daughters cell phones. [I]*Shakes her head* [/I] This can’t end well.

7.22 Phil joined the ranks of butthole dads. His daughter was wigging about being left at camp for the first time and he laughed. He actually laughed where she could see. Camp is traumatic. [I]*Big raspberry to you*[/I]

7.29 Don’t ever nod off in front of Phil. You doing the noddies will end up on You Tube.

8.03 Phil’s take on the Emancipation Proclamation. Phil decided he was through with being the disciplinarian at his former abode and tells the ex that she needs to set boundaries, rules and punishments in her home. I hear, “Take This Job and Shove It,” by Johnny Paycheck playing in my head as I read this.

8.05 The Great Pillow Debacle. He said that he finally had to get tough. Phil’s eldest is a No Limit Soldier for real because I, at that age, would have been whimpering when he said shut your mouth. I could see myself bawling when he said grow the fuck up. I would have been positively catatonic when he said, “You will shut your mouth about it, you’ll apologize to everyone you’ve abused tonight and if you don’t, I’m going to drive up there tomorrow and have a bonfire in your mom’s front yard with your pillow. Are we clear?” Now, the new me, the new me is kinda mouthy and he probably would have ended up making s’mores after he bonfired my pillow.

8.10 For once the big pun and I are in agreeance. Fuck dry heat. 100+ is hot. I don’t care what anyone else says. It just is.

8.11 Phil decides to let us know that, “Spicy food burns just as bad coming out of your bung as much as it does going down your gullet.” Some things should just remain unsaid. I’m getting visuals now. Very, very disturbed.

8.11 What I learned about barhopping in AZ from thebigp: Hippy girls are funky.

8.21 I have to say it. How can you not like seafood and live near the ocean? It boggles my mind. (And don’t say it doesn’t take much cuz I already know)

8.22 Slayerbarbie was touched because thebigp read one of my blog entries and it touched him enough to write an entry about his own shitty friends. (Believe it or not, this is not a shameless promotion of myself: I really was touched. We also need to get new friends. STAT.)

8.25 Chatroom Phil goes Sopranos at the strip club.

8.26 Phil christens the term “drama dragon,” which I called my friend Cathy yesterday. Two guesses as to how well that went over with her? I also realized that his sister and mine work for the same fucking firm.

9.01 I wanted to put a fork through my eye as he blogged about a high school coach that had pictures of his students mixed in with lookalike porn stars. WTF is happening in the world today? Phil also stole my meme and I realized from his answers that he is the male version of me. Be afraid.

9.02 ROTFLMAO. Phil got booty-texted.

9.23 Phil goes off about condoms in porn. I agree. What’s the point of being a dirty girl if you won’t have dirty sex? Porn means “Debbie Does Dallas,” dirty, not “Dawson’s Creek” dirty.

9.27 It takes a village to raise a child, especially if dad asks the EFX community what your punishment should be for skipping class and then lying to your mother about it. Damn. I’m glad there were no blogs when I was growing up.

10.02 You went to a hillbilly party? Okay. The guest of honor sniffed you a tadbit too long? Fine. You don’t like country music? We’re breaking up.

10.05 thebigp gave us all something to think about when he asked, “If I died tomorrow, could I look back on my life and say ‘I did my best’?”

10.11 Why does the ex-wife have to be a cunt on my birthday? Now, I know this isn’t really about me, but damn. Couldn’t she have picked the 10th or the 12th? Okay. I’m back from ranting. Holy craaaaap! Phil’s daughters ran his cell phone bill up to $507. There are not enough words. I’m nonplussed and it’s not even my bill.

10.19 Granny Hammer Rocks!

10.28 Boston Red Socks become World Champions. (And it only cost Phil one ulcer)

10.29 Phil says he’s going on hiatus in one entry and then, in a second entry on the same day he says he’s going on hiatus, he blogs about whether cooter should taste like smarties or A1 sauce. Then, on 10/30, proceeds to ask his second workplace question of the day, “What looks worse, Cooters or Peters?” What the hell goes on at Comp USA? Does anyone get any work done?

11.03 Personal achievement in the World of Phil. He decides to tell all us bitches to suck it when he passed his first certification test.

11.05 Remedial lesson in Kids 101. Phil forgot that little kids are like tape recorders; they play back every bad word you say. He also stole my meme again, but redeemed himself by like truffles.

11.06 Phil rants on King’s rant about DeeJay’s rant about materialism. (Got it?) I go on record as stating, if I came into a lot of money, I would be extremely materialistic. I would pay off my mom and dad’s bills and home, I would put aside money for my brother and sister to go to college, and then I would travel. I would see all 50 states and travel the world. I wouldn’t even have a home. I would just travel every day for the rest of my life. Shallow, materialistic butthole am I.

11.11 Phil morphs into Incredible Hulk and breaks his faucet. Hmmmmm. Methinks Phil needs to get some action, n’est pas? We need to send him a blond blowup doll that he can make sexy sexy with.

11.25 Phil exposed us to the greed of Corporate America. He had to work Thanksgiving night. What kind of bull is that? Who shops on Thanksgiving? That’s what Black Friday is for. I would be at home, rubbing my belly from all the delicious goodies and put up my Christmas tree/Hanukkah Bush,, not shopping for cheapo laptops.

11.29 If you knew a nuclear holocaust would occur in 20 years and no one would survive it, what would you change about how you live your life? Inquiring minds want to know.

11.30 The Beer Bandit made off with the Guinness. And I wasn’t invited to the party. What the hell?

12.02 Phil was outraged about the reality special, “Clash of the Choirs” on NBC. I watched it. Don’t throw rotten tomatoes at me; the money went to charity. I was ready to ridicule it, but I kind of enjoyed it. I liked how the charities of the choirs that didn’t win still got $50,000.

12.08 Even though he hated the job, Phil was understandably upset when he found out that he was losing his job because CompUSA, suckiest computer store in America, was closing their doors. And, to add insult to injury, they weren’t even going to be paid severance. What kind of bull is that? Then he was asked to show up six days later, driving through mad snowstorms and icy roads to do inventory when they had already done it like a month ago. This finger’s for you, CompUSA.

12.27 Phil’s sister landed on our eternal shit list for ditching Christmas dinner to spend the day with her new boyfriend and his family. Everyone, all together now. [I]*Blow big raspberry*[/I] My Christmas wish should have been that this broad got a clue because your family will be around when all the jerks abandon you. Don’t mistreat them. They will take turns slapping your ass around with the mistletoe.

12.30 Phil not only gets drunk on three beers, but he gets hit on by a midget and a gay chicken. What? I got it wrong? That’s not what happened? No, it sounds better the way I had it.

12.31 Phil blogs about what a crappy year 2007 has been for him. I hope that this new year brings him gainful employment, the gentle touch of a woman’s love, a nifty diploma or whatever they give when he finishes all his certifications and above all, I hope that 2008 isn’t as “big of a cunt as 2007 was.”

State of the Union: Pooped. (That was a lot of Work)
Listening to: F*ck Me Pumps by Amy Winehouse

Edited: August 18th, 2008

Bloggedy Blogger: Time Machine

I wasn’t feeling too hot this weekend, so I tried to devise something random to do that wouldn’t require a lot of energy or me having to get out of bed. Slowly, slowly, I have been trawling through old blog entries. Not my own, as I’m not planning on doing that until I’ve been blogging for a year, but yours.

I came onto the blogging scene (fashionably late, as usual) when everyone else had been doing it for a while. It has been awesome reading about people’s lives, personal drama, and commentary on life, but some people allude to events or entries that I’ve never read. So, I decided to go back and start reading. With the advent of restyle, some entries have disappeared. Some people’s old blog sites are defunct or they’ve hopped from one site to another. Thank the Lord for that nifty archives button.

It may seem a little alarming or downright peculiar, but I figure, if you didn’t want them to be read, you wouldn’t have asked for a post restore, so that’s tacit permission. (Like how my mind works?) But, because I’m feeling rather benevolent, (and because I don’t want to offend or piss anyone off more than I already do on a daily basis) if you don’t want me going through your dirty linens and commenting under my bloggedy blogger section, this is your opt-out notice. I promise not to be mean or drag up shameful family secrets, but, if it truly offends, let me know.

I have to say that I already read through the entries for one person (I mentioned it to him in passing) and I have to say that I actually snorted with laughter. Gross, but true. Until he gives me permission to comment, I can’t really say much, but I will say that it has been interesting and entertaining, to say the least, to read as people evolve into the bloggers that I know and love.

State of the Union: Still at peace, surprisingly
Listening to: Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash

Edited: August 18th, 2008