Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness: Truth

Sometimes, the truth is staring you in the face and you just don’t want to deal with it. Sometimes, you just can’t bring yourself to face it. I’ve done a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve lived a life for like 10 people already. Lots of bad decisions. Lots of bad mistakes. Lots of regrets. You do things and you don’t think about the consequences of them. You don’t think about the repercussions of your actions because you’re being young, and free, and living in the moment. You don’t think about the future because you’re too busy living in the present. You will have plenty of time to repent in leisure.

My dad said something and it rang true. Some people are chosen. Some people are favored. Some people get the good life with the spouse, the kids, the house, the dog, the picket fence, the works. Other people aren’t so lucky. Some people don’t get the dream. Some people don’t get forever. Some people don’t get happiness because they don’t deserve it.

State of the Union: Pensive
Listening to: Nothing Lasts Forever by Maroon 5

Edited: February 17th, 2010

Meme: Because It’s Been Forever

Will you have sexual intercourse within the next two weeks?
Doubt it. I’m on a self-imposed sexual exile.

Do you think your ex still wants to be with you?
Probably. All his other girlfriends were skanks, stupid, or stupid skanks.

Has a boyfriend/ girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you?
Nope.

Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment?
Sure do. Whether he reciprocates them remains to be seen….

Do you like when people call you things like “baby”, “sweetie”, “hun”, etc?
Depends on if I know and, more importantly, LIKE the person saying it.

Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Hell to the NO! Fast forward to the next question.

Will this Friday be a good one?
It’s payday, so yes.

Do you believe that love lasts forever?
God’s love does.

What’s wrong with you right now?
How much time do you have?

When will your next kiss be?
When he finally gets his head out of his ass and realizes I have a mad crazy crush on him…

Who was the last person in bed with you?
I went to go huddle under the covers with my mama.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
I’ve been happy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but sad on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
No, I think I’m on the mend from him and moving on.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?
That both parties not be crazy.

Where do you wish you were right now?
On the beach with the boy I’m crushing on.

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?
Sure is. That’s one of the first steps to becoming coupled up.

Have you ever broken anyone’s heart?
Sure have, but it wasn’t my fault they fell in love.

Tell the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
I liked the way he smiles at me and, even though he doesn’t know it, I *adore* his accent, even though I tease him about it.

Is there a person that will always have a place in your heart?
A few people, actually.

Does someone like you right now?
I’m sure I have some stalker out there that’s wanking off to pictures of me.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with B, H, E or J ?
Does it make me a skank if I say ALL of them.

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship?
Heck no. He was a stage five clinger.

Honestly, what’s on your mind?
Graduating some time before I turn 50.

When was the last time you kissed someone?
December.

Is there a person that means a lot to you?
Lots of ‘em.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
No, he kept trying to hop on top of me and I kept having to fight him off, so there was no sleeping involved.

If you married the last person that you texted what would your last name be?
Bamba. I’d be Guamanian.

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of last summer?
Cabo San Lucas.

Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love?
I did, so I know it’s possible.

State of the Union: Sleepy
Listening to: Here With Me by Dido

Edited: February 2nd, 2010

Amigos: Selfish Wish

I have one of those secret wishes that I never want to say aloud because it makes me sound like a selfish person. I can say it here because everyone already knows that I’m a selfish person and you still kinda sorta like me so that makes it okay.

I’ve been belly dancing for three years now. I love it. It’s one of the few things that I know I’m good at. We do this improvisational show once a month at a coffee shop here to live drumming. We don’t know what beats we’re going to get or what themes are going to get tossed at us during the second set.

My selfish wish is for my friends to actually support me for once and show up. I invite them and they say they’re going to show and then they never do. These aren’t my “casual acquaintance” friends I’m talking about, but my good friends. I show up at all their things. I come to all their parties, and their kid’s parties, I show up at the things that matter and are important to them, but they never come to mine. Some make the excuse that they have kids. Well, there were about 10 in the audience last night. Others say that have people in town. Hello? Bring them. It’s fun, it’s different, and they’ll be able to brag that they went to an awesome show. Some people complain about being busy or being tired or not having enough time. Who on God’s green earth has more stuff going on and is busier than me? I work full time AND go to school full time and I still manage to get to their events, so that excuse won’t wash, either.

Everyone else has people show up at every single show and it makes me sad. My gay boyfriend Paul has shown up once and I love him for that, and my psycho ex boyfriend used to, but I think it was more because he knew that dancing makes me horny and he wanted to get guaranteed booty. On the one hand, it makes me feel like a bad person because I feel that pinch of jealousy that everyone else is able to field someone and I’m there alone. On the other hand, it makes me feel like I’m a bad person with bad friends because I do good things for them and they can’t do this one thing for me.

I feel like a whiny brat because it seems like I’m begging for adulation, but I don’t need that. I just want my friends to show an interest in the thing that I love above all others. I want them to be a good friend, even if it’s only one time, and show up for me, like I’ve done for them hundreds of times.

State of the Union: Sad
Listening to: Helena by My Chemical Romance

Edited: February 1st, 2010