Burnt Orange: Texas Fight

Okay, so I went to the Texas/Louisiana Monroe opener game last week. We broke the stadium record:

I am voluntarily wearing burnt orange. Take note. It might never happen again as visions of the Great Pumpkin belly dance costume are dancing in my head.

It’s different this year. I went every year with five guy friends and everyone graduated last year except me. I asked Mario (Julie’s husband) to go with me and he backed out last minute so I said, f— it, I’m going to go by myself. I looked at it like it was a sociology experiment. It will force me to talk to people I don’t know. I just prayed that I wouldn’t get stuck next to some Newman type (bad) or some Milton type (worse) or my ex boyfriend (shoot me in the face with a machine gun.) I also prayed that they wouldn’t get offended (bad) or make me have to kick their ass (worse) because I talk a lot of smack and I have a smart mouth. I prayed I wouldn’t get stuck next to some sorority girls with fake bakes and eating disorders. I said to the Lord, “Lord, I need a break. Just one. Send me some hotties. Just this once.”

For all you ass clowns that don’t believe in God, booya! He DOES exist. I asked for hotties and the good Lord provided them. He sent me Justin and Nick.

They will forever go down in infamy because they talk more smack than me (and we all know that’s saying something.) They were all up in my shit and laughing at me because I was a little on the inebriated side. It also didn’t help that this 50+ year old drunk man, who knocked over drinks and food on his way through the stands to his seat, planted himself behind us. I really thought he was going to a) hurl b) pitch forward and fall on top of me or c) all of the above. He was toooooooore up. You know that drunk that people get when they’ve been drinking ALL day and you can smell it seeping through their pores? Yeah, that was him.

He knocked over my purse (spilling out my hidden mini bottles of Absolut and Crown). He knocked me into Justin. He kept bumping into me and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. Then, he decides to sit down, when everyone else is standing, mind you, which put his face directly behind my ass and he proceeded to stare at it for half the game. I kid you not. His drunk ass son was standing next to him and was high fiving him as his dad made motions with his hands that he was slapping and grabbing my ass. Yeah….real classy, dude.

Justin and I thought he was going to throw up on us and I kept making jokes about his “daddy.” Then, after that moron left, we realized half the stench was coming from the sulfur in the cannon as they fired it off every time we scored, and not from Big Daddy, as I christened him. Oh well, he needed some blame because he was shameful. Now that we know security isn’t that tight, I will be well insulated at the next game with more liquor.

I loved it when the Band, who was playing boring songs, spelled out TEXAS on the field, but they need to take some lessons from Prairie View and learn how to become a real “Showband.”

One of the highlights of the game was finding out that OU lost to BYU. As the news spead through the stadiums, everyone was on their feet chanting, “OU sucks!” Yup, it was a good day. Plus, Nick was really cute and I managed not to maul him and make him my lust bunny, so hey, maybe I really *am* cured of my sex addiction after all…..

I know. I don’t believe it either. Somebody better warn this boy that I’m the Make Out Bandit……

State of the Union: Amused

Listening to: That Girl is a Cowboy by Garth Brooks

Edited: October 2nd, 2009

École: Cheese Anyone?

This is from Payscale.com. I need to get over my hate-on of Math and Science *real* quick because look at all the stacks I could be making….

1. Aerospace Engineering $59,600-$109,000

2. Chemical Engineering $65,700-$107,000

3. Computer Engineering $61,700-$105,000

4. Electrical Engineering $60,200-$102,000

5. Economics $50,200-$101,000

6. Physics $51,100-$98,800

7. Mechanical Engineering $58,900-$98,300

8. Computer Science $56,400 $97,400

9. Industrial Engineering $57,100 $95,000

10. Environmental Engineering $53,400 $94,500

11. Statistics $48,600 $94,500

12. Biochemistry $41,700 $94,200

13. Mathematics $47,000 $93,600

14. Civil Engineering $55,100 $93,000

15. Construction Management $53,400 $89,600

16. Finance $48,500 $89,400

17. Management Information Systems $51,900 $87,200

18. Computing and Information Systems $50,900 $86,700

19. Geology $45,100-$84,200

20. Chemistry $42,900-$82,300

21. Marketing $41,500-$81,500

22. International Relations $41,400-$80,500

23. Industrial Technology $49,500-$79,600

24. Environmental Science $43,300-$78,700

25. Architecture $42,900-$78,300

26. International Business $41,900-$77,800

27. Accounting $46,500-$77,600

28. Political Science $41,300-$77,300

29. Urban Planning $43,300-$77,000

30. Philosophy $40,000-$76,700

Sign me up!!!!

State of the Union: Tad bit envious
Listening to: Linger by the Cranberries
Posted: 2:48 PM, Wed 9 Sep 2009

Edited: October 2nd, 2009

Dating Diaries: Trash Deserves Trash…What? Too Harsh?

When my relationships go belly up, I generally don’t blog about why they went bad. Well, except in the case of Naughty Nanny Dude because that was way too bizarre and too funny *not* to blog about it. I said that I wouldn’t post the reasons in an open forum and I haven’t. It does astound me that, for someone that claims to love me so deeply, and do anything for me to keep me happy, for someone who said that, if my cancer came back, would take care of me, he broke the world’s speed record for rebounding with his ex.

Thanks to the keen eye of my friend Jen, who wanted to ensure that I don’t go back to “Retard Richard” as she calls him, she did a little recon and came up with a timeline that even I can’t ignore. She is nosy to a fault and went smooth up on his My Space page and started looking at his pictures. She came up with this:

Yes, she looks like a total hood rat.This is his ex-booty call, his words, not mine, that he says used to come over and try to hook up with him when we were together and yes, according to him, she was a stripper. Where? I have no idea, but I hear the Landing Strip will hire anyone, so hey. Whatevs. I don’t spend too much time looking at his pictures or his page because, makes me sound bad as a girlfriend, I didn’t particularly care and there were so many grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors that it made my head hurt. Well, Jen noticed that, after I went and got my car and assorted items of mine that he had in his possession, he added this one:

They were obviously taken on the same day at the same party so why the subterfuge in not putting it up until after he was sure that I wasn’t coming back if he didn’t do anything with her. I don’t understand why he tried to hide it in the first place. Even when we were together, I didn’t care that he was still friends with her. I really didn’t. That, in itself, should have told me what I really though about our relationship because I am not only the baddest bitch, I have to be the *only* bitch.

I know he can’t be by himself. He is one of those people that *has* to have someone physically there or else he will go insane and I know that he’s a big ol’ horndog that needs sex constantly, so I know he hooked up with her. I’m a big ol’ horndog, too, so the fact that I was coming up with excuses to not sleep with him should have been a red flag in itself. Sleuthy Jen, as I now call her, checked his updates and figured out, by his status and mood page, that he hooked up with her less than a week after we broke up. I hadn’t even gone to pick up my stuff yet and, that same night, after he slept with her, he texted me telling me that he missed me. Uh….okay?

I hadn’t deleted him from my My Space page even though multiple people told me I should. His little sister is on my page as well and I’d have to delete her as well and *she* never did anything to me. I don’t look at his page and I assumed he didn’t look at mine until he started sending me messages. What ticked me off and prompted this entry? He commented on the fact that I had gone to Schlitterbahn and said that, if I ever wanted to go again, to let him know because he had the hook up. Wanna know who is hook up is? His fricking hook up! Yes, that skanky stripper. I think she works there or knows someone that does. How do I know? Sleuthy Jen pointed out the update that said he had an unexpected trip to Schlitterbahn. Oh, and this:

Skank wearing bikini? Check. Hand positioned like she was stroking his hair? Check. Me vomiting in my mouth that I would ever date a jackass that would actually try and run game on the girl that *invented* the game? Check. For the record, the part that has me steamed isn’t that he’s hooking up with her. He can do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. It’s *MY* observation skills that has me wanting to choke the living shit out of his ass. I noticed something that Jen couldn’t pick up on because she didn’t know what she was looking at. The part that has me just BRASSED OFF is the fact that see that iPod sitting on her lap? That’s mine. The iTrip that’s attached to it? That’s mine, too. The part that has me absolutely fucking LIVID? See that jacked up tint on the passenger side window at the top and the smudge stain in the middle? He caused that stain when he put his greasy, gelled up hair against the window one day when I was driving him to his parent’s house. Yes, people, that’s MY FUCKING CAR! He rode that bitch around in MY FUCKING CAR!

I’m so pissed off, my hands are shaking. He was a loser. I didn’t figure it out at first because he hid his craziness well. I will never, ever, EVER forgive or forget this. I want to go OLD TESTAMENT on his ass. I want to run into him and mess him up, all the while wearing that shirt shirt You know. The one that Lindsey Lohan wore on TRL after she and Wilmer Whatshisname broke up:

You had best believe there will be retribution. I will go Old Testament, Vengeance-is-Mine-Thus-Saith-the-Lord on him.

State of the Union: Over loser men

Listening to: Irreplaceable by Beyonce and, believe me, the irony of the lyrics about the dude riding his jumpoff around in a car that Beyonce bought isn’t lost on me, trust.

Posted: 7:41 PM, Fri 4 Sep 2009 in Dating Diaries

Edited: October 2nd, 2009

Meme Quiz Time: Are You a Hoodrat?

I saw this on Media Take Out and I *had* to take it. I wanted to know if I was a hoody or not/

1. You’ve ever used an album cover for a dustpan.
(5 points) {I used Michael Jackson’s Off the Wall}

2. If you’ve ever run a race barefoot in the middle of the street.
(10points) {Do dirt roads count as a street}

3. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood.
(5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)

4. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt.
(3 points for each) {Had to go pick my own switch}

5. If you have ever had to walk to school or walked home from school.
(2points) {That wasn’t ghetto. I lived down the street and there was no bus service}

6. If you have ever used dishwashing liquid for bubble bath.
(5 points)

7. If you ever mixed Kool-Aid one glass at a time because you got tired of other people drinking up the Kool-Aid you just made.
(5 points)

8. If you have ever played any of the following games: hide and go seek, freeze, tag, Momma may I? or red light/green light.
(2 points each) {Guilty as charged}

9. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man.
(2 points + 2 if he rang a bell) {We used to have a Blue Bell truck on our street}

10. If you refer to “Now and Later” candies as “Nighladers”.
(5 points)

11. If you’ve ever run from the police on foot.
(5 points + 5 if you got away)

12. If you’ve ever had reusable bacon grease in a container on your stove.
(5 points + 15 if you still do it) {My nana used to do that}

13. The batteries in your remote control ever been held in by a piece of tape.
(5 points)

14. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge.
(1 point each)

15. You’ve ever used Tussy Deodorant.
(5 points)

16. You’ve never been to the dentist.
(15 points)

17. If you have a friend or family member whose nickname is one word said twice: dee-dee, fee-fee, man-man, Kay-Kay, lee-lee, ree-ree, ray-ray, nay-nay, tee-tee etc.
(10 points)

18. You have ever paged yourself for any reason.
(3 points)

19. You’ve ever worn house shoes outside of the house.
(2 points)

20. You add “ED” or “T” to the end of words already in the past tense
(for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc.)
(5 points)

21. You use ‘n’em to describe a certain group of people ( for example Craig’n'em or Momma ‘n’em). {Only in Dimebox}
(5 points)

22. You’ve ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat.
(5points)

23. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it.
(10 points)

24. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair.
(10 points)

25. You’ve ever left a social gathering with a plate.
(2 points) {Anyone that says that haven’t done this is lying.}

26. You can’t hold a glass because of the length of your nails.
(5 points)

27. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words.
(10 points)

28. You don’t have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan’s. (15 points)

29. You constantly hit *69 and ask, “Did you just call here?”
(10 points)

30. You think Tupac is still alive.
(20 points)

31. If you are going to have to use a calculator to add your points.
(25points)

– Now the totals…

0 – 50 points – I guess you were raised in the suburbs

51 – 75 points – A bonafide ex-hood rat

76 – 150 points – Spent a little time in the projects, huh?

150 points or more – Still there, huh?

What’s your score???? I got a 44. A lot of my answers came from summers in Dime Box. We weren’t hood rats; we were just country as hell….

State of the Union: Tickled (and looking for some Now and Laters)
Listening to: Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin

Posted: 3:14 PM, Mon 31 Aug 2009 in meme

Edited: October 2nd, 2009

So, my boss is the president of her homeowner’s association and these people are like bickering preschoolers. There is so much pettiness and backbiting that it makes my head hurt. One of the girls, lets call her Missy, is particularly evil. She and my boss have been corresponding back and forth and I can’t see for all the overt beyotch-ness going on. She is the queen of sending off “f-ed up” emails filled with cattiness, but one of them just really bothered me. Missy is all pissed off because one of the board members is still acting like she’s the president and trying to run things and she just rubbed me the wrong way with this email that she sent to my boss, and it wasn’t just because of all the typos, either.

She (old President) isn’t supposed to be answering the HOA phone!! That is what was said at the meeting. I really don’t have time to be going back and forth; and doing this he said she said stuff. I would like to vote on having the meetings audio/video recorded. that way we won’t have this problem in the future. Who else is for the recording?

The rest of the group has done their research like you asked them to do… BUT doesn’t feel comfortable reporting until all of the issues are resolved. You haven’t delegated this Laura (old President ) issue properly. Did you freeze our banking account? The message on the HOA phone line hasn’t been changed; has it?

Please don’t insult my intelligence or the rest of the group. And don’t let this president title go to your head. We want to respect you as president. But that means being a good leader for the group by following the bylaws. You were voted in and you can be voted out!

We all have to meet with the lawyer at the end of the month. I was hoping that we would be professional enough to resolve this matter before we got to him. So the next meeting will be August 13th, what time is good with everyone? And Amanda (grrr! I hate that name!) said we could have it at her house. Is that still right?

My boss didn’t know how to respond back without taking her head off, so I started dictating to her, and then I ended up just taking over the keyboard. I was already in a bad mood and I don’t like it when people try to sugar coat their evilness, so I responded back in kind:

My time is just as valuable as everyone else’s. I want an amicable resolution that benefits everyone involved. I don’t think that we need to resort to audio/video recordings. I feel that, as long as accurate notes are taken and distributed, then there is no need to have meetings recorded. The secretary is supposed to record the minutes and distribute them. If things are going too quickly for you in the meetings, please don’t hesitate to ask us to speak slowly or to ask for a moment to make sure that you have everything written down before we proceed to the next issue.

If anyone does not feel comfortable with reporting until the issue is resolved, it would be beneficial to give an update on your status up until that point. It will let everyone involved know that you are working on the issue and there won’t be any confusion regarding what has been done, what is pending, etc. The “Laura Issue” has not been delegated. Action items were assigned and the only thing being requested is an update on the action items. Laura will continue to serve the community in any capacity that she is needed as a homeowner and Board Member. I have added myself as a signer on the account. Laura is aware that I am the only person that is authorized to deposit into the account and that there is a “freeze” for accounts payable until it is authorized and approved by the Board.

No one is insulting your intelligence. If you took the comments in an insulting manner, then that was your interpretation of it and not my intention.I was elected into this position because the homeowners felt they could use my service. I am not being paid for this, but am working from a desire to improve our community and continue with our sense of “family.” If the members feel that I am not doing my job adequately, then it is their prerogative to vote me out. Until then, I will continue to do what I have always done, support the growth and development of our community and our association. Nothing has “gone to my head.” I am not on a power trip. I am not being a megalomaniac; I am just dealing with the issues that were dropped in my lap and trying to reach a speedy resolution.

The Board’s main concern was communication. I am merely trying to open the lines of communication where people can voice their concerns and not fear retaliation or personal attacks. We can review the by-laws and every person’s responsibilities at the next meeting if clarification is needed. I don’t feel that we need to take this to an attorney because we are all mature adults, well able to handle ourselves in a mature fashion and not resort to playground histrionics. Amanda will need to let us know what time is best for her since we are meeting in her home and we can coordinate our meeting from there.

Have a good day.

After that nice, friendly, passive-aggressive bitchy email I sent, she’s apparently been sweetness and light. She better be glad I was only in a “semi-foul” mood and not a “full-on” foul mood or else she would have got it *all* sick and ya’ll would have seen me on Dateline NBC for sure.

State of the Union: Smug
Listening to: Thanks for the Memories by Fall Out Boy
Posted: 4:44 PM, Wed 26 Aug 2009

Edited: October 2nd, 2009

Dating Diaries: Yet Again

Yet again, I find myself on the illusive search for love. I don’t want to sling mud at him because, for all his faults, he wasn’t a completely horrid person. Let’s just say he wasn’t for me. For many reasons. Not just because I’m being picky. There were valid reasons, not like the time I broke up with that dude that brayed like a donkey when he laughed. Or the guy with the “too moist” lips. Or the guy with the guyliner (In my defense, any dude that wears more makeup than me is definitely suspect.)

There were seriously valid reasons that I am a tad bit ashamed to write about. I counsel my friends all the time about being in destructive relationships, and yet, I stayed in one for six months. When I finally realized I was being hypocritical, and that I was unhappy to boot, I put the kibosh on it. To which he responded, according to a reliable source, by hooking up with his stripper ex (do I call her an ex when all she ever did was use him as a booty call ?) not even a week after we were broken up. So much for being in love with me, eh?

Anyhoo, I refuse to become one of those bitter people that bashes men every time a relationship goes horribly awry. I just look at this as an opportunity for growth and reflection. Besides, football season is upon us and, if you know nothing else about me, you will see that Slayer is never alone for long at a tailgate.

Ta for now!

State of the Union: Surprisingly upbeat
Listening to: Everybody’s Changing by Keane.

Posted: 12:26 PM, Thu 20 Aug 2009

Edited: October 2nd, 2009