Dating Diairies: I’ll Take Two, Please….

I have noticed an emerging pattern. I blog about a guy, how much I like him, how nice he is and, within a week (tops) he does something mean or boneheaded and unforgivable. My boy buffet has been culled down to a two entree menu. You know both of them. Well, I’ve blogged about both of them. Both have been warned that I blog and that, if I decide to keep them, they will not only be dating me, but everyone on this blog site as well. Neither of them has ran yet either, so you guys must be going soft in the commenting department.

I like them both. They are polar opposites, but they have similar qualities that attracts me to both: i.e. being smart, nice, funny, sarcastic, well mannered and cool to be around. Neither one of them treats me like crap, so that works out well, too. On the not-so-cool side, both have their issues with commitments and relationships and the like. Both of them are divorced and they both had wives that thought they wanted to be married and then decided, midstream, to change course. Both of them seem to like me. Obviously, their taste in women is just off.

Me? I’m just having fun. I don’t know which one I like more than the other. I just kick it with them. I’m trying the whole, “just let it happen” approach. What’ll happen will happen. I am interested to see how this picture will develop and which man will be left standing at the end…….

State of the Union: Chill
Listening to: Shake it by Metro Station

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Meme: I Have Come to Realize

I stoleded this from my friend Claribel on My Space. She has nothing better to do other than memes because she has Braxton Hicks right now. I have nothing better to do because I finished all my work early so I could f— off all afternoon. See? I knew all that education would pay off for something…..

1. I’ve come to realize that my hair.......……will grow back someday.

2. I’ve come to realize that my heart..........…..was stomped into a million pieces and will never, ever mend properly.

3. I’ve come to realize that my job....….sucks but pays the bills and will do until I get that diploma in my hot little hands.

4. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving......I sing and dance and probably look off my rocker to the people driving alongside me.

5. I’ve come to realize that I need....….to finish school, to win the lottery, and to find my second-best soul mate, but not necessarily in that order.

6. I’ve come to realize that I have lost....…..two of the only people that will ever love me unconditionally.

7. I’ve come to realize that I don’t like when.........my friends ask me for advice, go and do the opposite of what I told them, and then expect me to have a shoulder ready for them to cry on.

8. I’ve come to realize that the opposite sex.......are easier to understand than girls, don’t have an agenda other than getting laid as much as humanly possible, and are good for cuddling.

9. I’ve come to realize that money.....isn’t the be-all-end-all but it sure helps!

10. I’ve come to realize that certain people.......never learn from their mistakes and it’s just easier to let them go on being foolish than to make yourself sick trying to get them to see the error of their ways.

11. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be......nice and caring one minute and bitchy and sarcastic the next. My moods change like the wind.

12. I’ve come to realize that .....I have a hard time cutting my friends off, but I am rapidly getting over it.

13. I’ve come to realize that my mom.......is not as strong as I always thought she was and maybe I should cut her some slack.

14. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone.......is the Devil and texting is why I am rapidly developing carpal tunnel.

15. Before I went to sleep last night i realized......that my life is 180 degrees different than where it was at this time last year.

16. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning....... nothing is promised and I still don’t understand why the Lord keeps waking me up everyday.

17. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking.......sad thoughts. This is going to be a sad holiday season.

18. I’ve come to realize that my dad..…is a lot more like my other dad than he wants to admit.

19. I’ve come to realize that when I get on My-space........it’s really to see what kind of crap has been going on in my friend’s lives.

20. I’ve come to realize that today..........was a slow day and I really needed one after all the ripping and running I’ve done this week.

21. I’ve come to realize that tonight........I might just stay home and spend some time in that expensive apartment that keeps guard over my clothes.

22. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow......is not promised and I intend to enjoy my little sister’s birthday party because it makes me happy to see her happy.

23. I’ve come to realize that I really want.....to get married someday. Scary, isn’t it?

24. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to re post......is a meme fiend like myself.

25. I’ve come to realize that life......is the most important gift you will ever be given and those that choose to give up or squander it are morons of the highest order.

26. I’ve come to realize that my friends....are the people that have been there for me during the dark times and not just when things were going great or when they needed me.

State of the Union: Reflective and Pensive
Listening to: A Little Respect by Erasure

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Smutty Talk: Hidden Troves

It’s funny, the things that are hidden in plain sight from us. Sometimes it’s a secret email account a loved one has set up to carry on an illicit affair. Sometimes it’s a hidden bank account or a secret that you’ve vowed to take to the grave. Sometimes it’s being laid off from work or a secret love child that you didn’t know anything about. Or sometimes, it’s well hidden porn. That’s right, I said porn. PORN. As in, my brother downloaded PORN on my goddam computer and didn’t tell me. Selfish wanker! Like he’s the only one that might like a little visual stimulation to get off.

There was all kinds of crap on there. Blonds, brunettes, red heads. All busty. All with big booties. All that seemed to like having stuff shot on their face or in their mouth. Then there was something that truly disturbed me to my core.

I will never be able to watch another Disney animated movie the same way again. Damn, him, he knew I loved Disney cartoons. You know what the messed up part is? I found this in his draft file of his gmail account. He was going to email it to me and never got the chance. I would have been traumatized. This. This is my punishment for not just deleting his email account, but going through it to see if there was something worth saving in it. This is what I get for being a nosy rosy. This is karma bitch slapping my ass.

State of the Union: Per-fucking- terbed
Listening to: My head exploding

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Smutty Talk: Hidden Troves

State of the Union: Per-fucking- terbed
Listening to: My head exploding

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Meme: 35 Little Secrets

This was swiped from Laurie’s My Space page. I keep waiting for her to say, ‘Slayer, no swiping!” a la Dora the Explorer.

[ONE Who was your last text..:]
Lyle (Hottie from previous entry)

[TWO] Where was your default pic taken?
In Cancun in May (on the blog site) but in my living room the night before I moved out of the hood (on My Space).

[THREE] Your relationship status?
Single, but not for long.

[FOUR] Have you ever lost a close friend?
Many.

[FIVE] What is your current mood
Nervous. Excited. Scared.

[SIX] What’s your brother’s name?
Brandon, Gianni, and John.

[SEVEN ] What’s your favorite color?
*looks around her blog* Ummmmm….pink? Maybe?

[EIGHT] Where do you wish you were right now?
On the beach in Greece with a hot boy.

[NINE] Have you ever been in trouble with the cops?
Once in Louisiana on a dark, stormy night.

[TEN] Ever had a near death experience?
Yes.

[ELEVEN] Something you do a lot?
Text.

[TWELVE] Angry at anyone?
Do I count? I am angry with myself for eating that McRib, but man, it was goood.

[THIRTEEN] What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?
Disloyalty. I will make myself get over that.

[FOURTEEN] When was the last time you cried?
Monday?

[FIFTEEN] Is there anyone you would do anything for?
My mama. I’m giving up Australia in December because she doesn’t want to miss my nana this Christmas season. I have the feeling we will be crying together. ONLY my mother would be worth missing wearing a bikini in December on a beach surrounded by hottie boys.

[SIXTEEN] What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
People I love.

[SEVENTEEN] Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Alexis.

[EIGHTEEN] What is your favorite song?
Sad Caper by Hootie and the Blowfish.

[NINETEEN] What are you doing right now?
Doing this meme, obviously. ;P Actually, I was just telling my friend that I’m debating mass texting everyone in my phone with,” I’m horny…oh, and McRib is back!!!!!”

[TWENTY] Who do you trust right now?
Lisa and Alexis. They get the brunt of my secrets now that my nana and Gianni are gone.

[TWENTY-ONE] Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
El Mercado in downtown Cancun.

[TWENTY-TWO] Who did you hold hands with last?
Jonathan on Sunday? Monday?

[TWENTY-THREE] What is your lucky number?
31. It’s been a lucky year for me. Well, considering I’ve only been 31 for like a couple of weeks. (hehehe)

[TWENTY- FOUR] Who is your friend that is closest to you?
Lisa. We can’t ever break up because we each know where the other buried the bodies……

[TWENTY- FIVE] Describe your life in one word?
Chaotic.

[TWENTY- SIX] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes, and some other “too hot for tv” stuff, too.

[TWENTY-SEVEN] Who are you thinking of right now?
Claudia Zacarra from General Hospital. I’m wondering if she’s going to really let her daddy die or not (He’s a mobster and having a stroke and she’s sitting there watching it happen, but he’s really mean to her and almost had her killed, so I can see why she’s hesitating).

[TWENTY-EIGHT] What should you be doing right now?
Working, probably.

[TWENTY-NINE] What did you do yesterday?
Went to work, went on a date, watched MTV and then went to bed.

[THIRTY] What are you listening to?
Boys With Girlfriends by Meiko.

[THIRTY- ONE] Who was the last person you hugged?
Jonathan.

[THIRTY- TWO] Who do you hate at this moment?
I don’t hate anyone, but I STRONGLY dislike one of the supervisors at work for firing my friend when she is the laziest person out there, this skank at work that keeps messing around with married men, one of my so called friends that’s acting like a hypocritical beyotch right now…oh, and the ubiquitous Amanda. I will actively dislike that whore everyday for the rest of my life.

[THIRTY- THREE] Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope. I’m a brat around him and, seeing as he’s just like me, he enjoys it immensely.

[THIRTY- FOUR] What is your natural hair color?
Reddish brown.

[THIRTY- FIVE] Who was the last person to make you laugh
Alex.

*This was a tame meme. I thought it was going to segue into dirty, sexy questions or something*

State of the Union: Nervously excited
Listening to: Wonderful Surprise by Shawn Hlookoff

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Events: Recovering is Hard to Do

You ever had a weekend that was so jam-packed that you needed a couple of days to recover? Aren’t weekends supposed to be about relaxation? I spent my Friday night entertaining the relatives that came in for Cousin Sarah’s wedding. This seemed to require me to cook for them in the kitchenette in their hotel suite, even though there was a perfectly good restaurant right up the street. I don’t mean to propel chintzy stereotypes about Jewish people, but my family isn’t helping with the cause, let me tell you. My aunt almost nutted in her pants when I told her that she had to pay for the food. (Do you know how much more expensive it is for Kosher? Dayuuuum)

My family was then put out when I told them that I had plans for my Saturday and they would need to entertain themselves. I had a belly dance class, tailgating at the Texas/Arkansas State game, a waxing, and a show at Kick Butt that night, plus THREE parties I was invited to. My cousin also needed her dress last minute altered and, seeing as how it was Shabbat and no work is supposed to be done and I was the only goy around, they wanted me to do it. Convenient, isn’t it, how people follow religious rules only when it suits their purpose?

Whatevs. I finished the last of the dress and she got married on Sunday and looked fabulous. She had a “no pictures taken by anyone other than the official photographer” rule, which I think is crap, so there aren’t any pictures yet. I’d better look hot or else his ass is toast. I love all weddings, but there’s something just uniquely different about the Jewish traditions. Someday, I want to be standing under a huppah. My mother would have my ass, but I would insist upon it.

Saturday night, I went to Kick Butt and I did something I had never done before. I danced there with NO liquor in my system. That was some scary s—t, let me tell you. My friend, Alanna, was going to a party afterwards, and she had wings. We put them on Casey and turned him into the Sex Fairy.

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I think Alexis wanted him to waive his magic wand at her. I don’t blame her. He was hoooot. This picture is *not* doing him justice.

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This is Alexis, a.k.a. Barbarella. We have been spending a lot of time together. It’s nice to have a friend that doesn’t bring an armload of drama with her.

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This is Helene, working magic with the finger cymbals.

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We were going to a costume party. We were belly dancers. They were U.T. fans. We were *real* original with the costuming, eh?

I kinda hijacked this guy that night. I bumped into him and then we started talking and Slayer kinda…took over and nabbed her prey. Part of me is scandalized at how shamelessly I flirted with him, but part of me is kvelling because I got my moxy back in full force. My friend, Colleen was having a party and I kinda invited people to crash it. (It’s not technically crashing if I was invited, right?) Well, I hijacked Lyle and he came with us. The party was very tame, but there was definite sparkage, enough so that he’s coming for dinner on Thursday. How long do I wait before I tell him that I blog and that, when you date me, you’re not just dating Slayer, but *everyone* at EFX?

Judge for yourself? Does he look like he’s being held against his will?

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State of the Union: Sassy

Listening to: I Won’t Go Home Without You by Maroon 5

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Dating Diaries: Manhood Snatcher

I know that I have been remiss in the blogging department. How do I know, you ask? Because Meg called me from California to tell me that I haven’t been blogging lately. I laughed until I cried later because she was bill collecting for blogs. Seeing as I am a bill collector in real life, this scenario has provided multiple giggle sessions for me. Well, she was very effective, obviously, because here I am, blogging.

I’m about to hit a touchy subject. I have been told, on numerous occasions, that I do not have a woman’s mentality. I think like a dude. I’m decisive. Blunt. I cut through the gristle and get straight to the meat. So, now I have to put this question to women that actually think like women. Ladies, when you’re having sex with a man and he doesn’t “ring your bell,” do you tell him? Or do you keep that little tidbit to yourself? And men, when a woman doesn’t “arrive,” do you want her to be honest about it, or do you want her to fake it like she’s up for an Academy Award?

THIS IS ABOUT TO VERGE INTO A QUASI TMI SECTION. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, STOP READING AND JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!

I was dating this guy and he was a potential. He had his personal life together, good career, smart, funny, looked like one of those hottie boys in the Urban Outfitters catalogues. He even had a sleeve. (Yes, I am still shivering about that because tattoos are hot, I don’t care what anyone says) He finally managed to woo his way into my affections and my bed and I, apparently, delivered a TKO. He couldn’t get me off. None of his tried, true, and trusted methods worked. It’s like I handed him his gilded balls on a silver platter after laughing at the size of them in his face. I’m not exaggerating. I am quoting, word for word, what he said. And no, I didn’t laugh. I was not in a felicitous mood at that point, trust me. He had asked me if I came, and I was honest and said no, not even close.

Then, to make matters worse, I think I broke him. No, I didn’t sit on his chest and crack his ribs or anything. He came so hard that his balls started to hurt. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I would like to pat myself on the back for a job well done, but he looked so forlorn. He’s apparently this big ladies man up in Belton and known for making a girl cum in less than three minutes with his oral techniques and less than ten in bed with his “patented stroke techniques” and I? I was like, “Okay. Is that it?” I didn’t say it aloud. I was just thinking it. I was bored, so I took over, and that’s when I blew his gaskets.

He left with his nuts mildly throbbing and he said they did that for another day or so. A couple of text messages and one awkward phone call and I haven’t heard from him since. This happened a while ago, but I haven’t put it up until now because I don’t know, I guess I was embarrassed. I’ve grown up all my life with my dad telling people to stop busting his balls and I always thought it was a metaphor. I didn’t know it could really happen…….

State of the Union: Embarrassed
Listening to: Slingshots by Morley

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Rant: It’s The First of the Month…Sing the Rest

My friend, Velinda, put this on her My Space page and told me to pass it on. Normally, she sends memes galore, but today she sent something relevant. It also got me thinking and made me say, “Yeah, why don’t they?”

[B](I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE
pat on the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit . In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I *do* have a problem with is the distribution of my tax money to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get
back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? [/B]

I started thinking about that. I think they should do it. I don’t advocate people getting high on my tax dollars. Get a respectable job and earn a respectable wage and get high like respectable people do. LOL. Seriously, though, they should randomly drug test these people to get their check. Send them a letter instead of their check one month saying they need to come into the office to pick it up and then drug test them when they get their. If they don’t do drugs, it shouldn’t be a problem, right?

One of my friends that smokes wacky weed and snorts um…..stuff was kinda pissed off when I said they should do it saying it was wrong and unconstitutional and rights would be infringed upon. She was getting crunk about it said until I reminded her she’s not on welfare, so the testing wouldn’t really apply to her. Then she was ALL for it.

Can you see me rolling my eyes?

State of the Union: Exasperated
Listening to: Champagne Supernova by Oasis

Edited: November 10th, 2008

All About Me:Cursed

I am starting to think that my birthday is cursed. Why, you ask? Oh, let me count the ways.

1) I bought an grass skirt and coconut bra to wear to the party from this company on the internet. I gave them my measurements and the coconut bra came and was still too small.

2) The lady that was supposed to make my food left me a voicemail at 1:30 in the morning that her daughter had gone into labor and she was at the hospital with her. So, there I was at 4 in the morning, slicing meat because I was making Kahlua pork and it had to be slow roasted for 12 hours. This on top of the fact that I had gone out on Thursday night and was tired and then I had just got back from the bar with my friend, Alexis.

3) The lady that was supposed to make my birthday cake got arrested for punching a police officer in the face. So, there I was with no cake.

4) My cousin absconded to Dallas with my circular ice chest that was supposed to hold the rum punch and the dress I was supposed to wear to the party. This was, in addition, to the fact that she had a bunch of people over while I was out on Friday and they drank up half my liquor for the party.

5) I cut myself three times on the hand and once on my foot chopping and slicing fruit. (The foot thing was because my friend scared the living crap out of me and I lost my grip on the knife.)

6) I went to Walmart to find another ice chest with a spigot and couldn’t find one so I had to get ghetto and put the punch in a trashcan.

7) The clubhouse where I was having the party had an old school sound system that didn’t have the right plugs for hooking up my computer or iPod. I ended up pulling my speakers and bass from my computer and attaching them so we could have tunes.

I’ve lived in my apartment for almost three months and have never seen a train on the tracks, but of course one shows up when I’m in a hurry and took almost ten minutes to get across the road.

9) I had planned to be the Chiquita Banana Girl for Halloween and had bought the material to make an outfit for it and I’m glad I did because it ended up doubling as the skirt portion of my luau costume, which I paired with a red bikini. I found out that I really don’t want that to be my costume because it kept sliding down and showing my bikini bottoms.

10) My belly dance teacher performed two numbers and then she passed around the hip scarf and made all the belly dancers perform. Note to self: When you haven’t slept much from the night before and you get buzzed on four jello shots and some jungle juice, do NOT pick, “When I Grow Up,” from the Pussy Cat Dolls as the song you want to dance to. I was tired and it was probably the worst dance I have ever done to date. (And that’s saying something).

11) I looked really hot and I wanted to take lots of pictures, but I did something weird to my SD card and now it’s saying that it’s not initialized and wouldn’t let me take any pictures. BOO! Guess that means we have to wait for Birdy to post my pics.

12) Birdy’s wife was sick, so she couldn’t come to my party. BOO!

Good things that happened:

1) I got some really nice presents from people and a bottle of good champagne that I will bleed dry as soon as I get home tonight.

2) Since I didn’t get to go to the Texas/OU game, my dad is taking me to Vegas for the weekend.

3) My friends felt really bad that they missed my party, so they took me to the butt naked on Sunday night.

4) Everyone seemed to like the food that I threw together all late in the game.

5) Rolando and Gabrielle called and texted me to say Happy Birthday. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Rolando smokes weed, so his memory is sketchy on a good day and Gabrielle works like twelve jobs like a Jamaican, so I didn’t expect to hear from her at all.

6) Gianni bought my birthday present before he died and made my dad wait to give it to me on my birthday. He got me a “Return to Tiffany’s” necklace and bracelet set. I look totally pimp in it.

7) I’m still living. There’s always that.

State of the Union: Nostalgic
Listening to: Sad Caper by Hootie and the Blowfish

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Meme: Gifty Gifty

It’s semi-cute and semi annoying. I went to my mama’s house and my little sister asked me did I get my present. I had no idea what she was talking about. She pulls out a wrapped box and hands it to me. I didn’t think anything about it until I opened it today and saw it was a box with postal stickers on it. Turns out my little sis, in her infinite boobiness, wrapped up my gifty meme box sent from Laurie. I asked her about it and she said that my friend sent me a birthday present and forgot to wrap it, so she did it for her and kept it until my birthday that way my mama wouldn’t open it.

I wanted to pop her in the head and hug her at the same time. My little sister knows how much my mom pisses me off when she opens my stuff, so she tried to protect me. Little butthead. Laurie got me goodies! And they were good goodies, too. The Gifty Fairy sent me:

*A cute Hello Kitty bag. (Hello Kitty is winking on it. What a flirt! Just like me!)
*A pack of Disney Princess pens with a sticky that said, ‘These were strong women who found happiness and love in the end and you will, too.’
*A dinosaur pen that says, “Dynamite” on it (My MySpace name is Dee Dee Dynamite).
*A magnetic picture frame for my refrigerator with a sticky note that said ‘no need to explain.’ (I laughed at that.)
*A purse sized photo album that said, ‘For all your adventures.” (I’m going to fill it with pictures of boys!)
*A cd called Magical Belly Dance with a hot chick in an Egyptian belly dance costume and a sticky that said, ‘Because this is your passion.’
*A hot pink rhinestone iron-on that says “Girls Rule!” with a sticky that says ‘AMEN TO THAT!’
*A post card from where she lives in….Can I say what state you live in, Laurie? I don’t know if you have stalkers like me. Anyway, the town is really pretty and it makes me want to visit.
*A pink and white 45th anniversary Barbie plate that has a pair of pink sunglasses and reads,’A little sassy…but oh, so classy.”

I am touched to the bottom of my dark and twisty little heart, Laurie. I LOVED everything and you picked things that you knew I would like. I totally heart you.

State of the Union: Tickled and touched all rolled into one
Listening to: You Have Been Loved by Sia (So apt)

Edited: November 10th, 2008

Slayerbarbie: Untamed. Unfiltered. Unfettered.

I’m just a girl. With really nice accessories.

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Dating Diairies: I’ll Take Two, Please….

Meme: I Have Come to Realize

Smutty Talk: Hidden Troves

Smutty Talk: Hidden Troves

Meme: 35 Little Secrets

Events: Recovering is Hard to Do

Dating Diaries: Manhood Snatcher

Rant: It’s The First of the Month…Sing the Rest

All About Me:Cursed

Meme: Gifty Gifty